ATM

[caution: this is an irky post.]

eeek!!!

inis ako sa iyo!

para kang ATM
ATM na labas pasok sa buhay ko.

kung hindi kita pinapansin, nagpapapansin ka.
kapag pinapansin kita, iniignore mo ako na parang wala ako don.

ano ba talaga trip mo?
hindi kita maintindihan?

pagwala ako sa buhay mo, miss mo ako.
kapag nandon naman ako sa tabi mo, para akong multong hindi mo nakikita.

alam mo...
simula ngayon,
ikaw na ang magpapapansin.
dahil hindi na ako ang papansin sa iyo.

pilit kitang iniintindi...
pero ag hirap mong intindihin.

pagod na ako.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 9:19 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

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dear boy (initials BM - you know who you are)

just couple of weeks ago, i prayed for the pain of my past to end. i waited for answer but after waiting for what seemed like endless nights, i felt as if the Lord took me forgranted. just couple days ago, one week from yesterday in exact, i found myself in a follow prayer but this time, asking for someone with my specific
"standards" to touch my life again and love me for who i am. the day before yesterday, i kneeled infront of the unlit crucifix at st. basil staring at the crucified Christ, and i asked for the same prayer. but this time, i was asking him to guide you and protect you. i found that strangly weird because i normally ray for my family and close friends but not for someone i don't even know completely like you.

when you asked me why do i always act like a warrior, armored and shielded and ready to fight all the time when i am asked with matters of the heart?and i quickly told you that the explanation to this strange behavior is because i am jsut protecting myself from being hurt again. i'm just not willing to let my guards down completely. and you asked me, "why" again, and all i could utter is because i don't want to be hurt again. i'm just terrified, period.

then you asked me, " do i love you?" and i was so confused why you asked me that question. here we are, just 2 months ago, we were complete strangers and now, we are sharingf our innermost secrets. something that is so rare because i don't share my private woes and my life story to everyone besides the close friends and family whom trust the most. then you repeated the question, " do you feel any love for me...even if it's just a little...? i'm not expecting you to be INLOVE with me, but do you feel even JUST A LITTLE BIT of love for me?"

i found myself tongue tied. for what it seemed forever, i thought about what you ask me and i was caught speechless because in my entire life, i was never asked by such query. why would a guy who said he liked me two months ago think i would have love for him? truth is, i find you so intriguing. for most people who knew me, they know i am avoiding this topic of love for six months now. and here i am confronted by you, asking me sensitive question whom no one dared to ever ask me.

but no, you were persistent. you asked me for the third time, "do you have any bit of love for me? even just a little bit?" i thought about asking you, " why do you ask me such questions but i decided to keep my mouth shut and refocus what answer i will give you. out of it came, " well, i... like... you...." and i was dreading that. talking to myself in my head, i told myself, " wait a minute, di dyou just tell a guy you liked him? that is so NOT you, girl!" i felt so embarrassed.

"you liked me? and i liked you...but i think i am falling for you," you uttered back. all these skeptical thoughts went to my head which i eventually told you, "how can you like someone you just got to know in two months? it just doesn't make sense to me." and then you told m,e i would not know that because i amnot in your shoes. while i was asking you, "why me?" questions you kept responding, "why NOT you?" you even mentioned that eventhough it is only been two months it does not mean, you can not see the wonderful quealities i have that attracted you to me. honestly though, i was flattered but i kept it to myself.

just wehn i thought you forgot about it, you asked me again, this time for the fourth attempt, " so, do you feel any love for me?" and i this time, i answered you don't even know me to start falling for me. and you counterargued that it doesn't take a life time to realize you have feelings for someone because of their genuine kindness. you said that you were drawn to my humor, my kindness, my "sweetness" and you said, you felt that towards me.

so yes, we went to the fifth time, " so, you're not answering my question, do you feel any love for me? i am not asking if you are in love with me. i am just asking you if you feel even little bit of love towards me...be honest." truthfully, i did not want to answer. even if i did feel any love for you, i told myself i was not going to admit it. then there it goes, the more i tell myself to not be affected by that question, the more i am hammerred by it in my head. the more i convince myself that maybe i am just infatuated by the fact that you like me, i should not let myself be suck in to the idea of it.

then my heart started pounding too fast.and i seem to feel every heart beat. the butterflies suddenly fluctuated in my stomach and they seemed to fly around it. for the first time in so long, i started to feel butterflies in my stomach and i am becoming over obssessed with the idea that, perhaps, i like you more than i thought i did. it's been a while since i had such side effects of high anxiety and excitement. but was it anxiety? was it excitment? even worse, was it love?

you waited for me to answer while all this cogitation are spinning in my head and while this pounding are felt in my heart. and i keep telling myself, i am scared. i don't want to answer. i told myself don't answer. dont say anything. just act casual and normal and don't show any signs of distress or uncomfortability around him. and just ignore all his questions. i was talking to myself and reminding my own self to disregard the question........just DISREGARD....breath in ...breath out...stay calm...stay zen.

and then i just blurted, THERE'S LOVE FOR YOU THERE! but....right now, IT'S A SEEDLING! it has yet to grow." there i said it. " I THINK I AM FALLING FOR YOU, BUT IT'S TOO LITTLE TO TELL YOU, REALLY BUT THERE'S SOMETHING THERE...okay? "

and all i can remember was your unexpected reply, " that's enough for me to love you. i'd rather have that seedling, so i can give it roots and make it grow. i'll try to take care of it. show sunshine and shower it with water so it will grow and bud and flourish."

the hundred butterflies in my stomach multiplied into one thousand. boy, i was not going to lie. i was floating in the air. i thought i was on drugs but i am so wide awake. i even knew the time, it was 3:23 am! on thanksgiving day, november 23. i was that aware of it but i wasn't showing you any of these odd behavior.

there were more utters exchanged. all i can recall at this point is when you said," I LOVE YOU ( even if it's a seedling)" to me. i find myself melting. before, i encircled myself in a block of thick ice so no one can melt it. i would be inside and i'll stay numb. but you melted the ice of emotions. i was no longer that zombie that went with the flow. for the first time in a long time, i felt the "kilg" factor, the feeling of having your stomach turn upside down like riding a roller coaster and you feel this because you're happy.

then i can't help but ask myself...

is this a start of something wonderful?
will the seedling become what it supposed to be?
will the seedling develop strong roots enough to survive?
will the seedling grow and flousrish?
i guess i will nevr know unless i try, right?

so...

mr. i'll take you on your offer. let's see if you can live up to it. i know i am setting myself up to be hurt...but...i'm going to take that risk. let's give this a try. prove me wrong. make the seedling grow and flourish.

i just spoke to you. you greeted me, 'HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! hushhh...I THINK I LOVE YOU...hush...I LOVE YOU...even if it's a seedling...I..JUST ...LOVE YOU..." please tell me i am not dreaming. for if i am, then i don't want to wake up.

couple of weeks ago, i prayed for someone to love me for who i am---simple as that. on thanskgiving day, HE gave YOU to me. my Lord is wonderful, isn't he?

this is just a start. i can't wait until i'll be in your arms again. =)

love,
len

posted by pinay freestyle @ 11:55 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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TIME OF THAN KS

I sent most of you guys a text today. But for those I could not reach through the text, THIS ONES FOR YOU.
THANKSGIVING is a day of gratefulness. More and more, I realized I am so lucky to be surrounded by wonderful people like you who continues to inspire me to become a better person. Your every day kindness are the priceless. I am truly blessed to have people like you in my life. Thank you for touching me, for inspiring me, and for sticking with me through thick and thin. Though thanksgiving is a day of thankfulness, it should NOT be the only day we should be appreciative of people and things we have. We should be thankful everyday...for the many things we were fortunate to have. Morever, let us not forget to share these blessings. SO HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

posted by pinay freestyle @ 11:32 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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tribute to nice girls number 2

[another one my cousin ai's musing on her myspace blog...thanks ai!]

Ode to the Nice Girls
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

I think this is so true!

Ode to the Nice Girls
This rant was written because a nice girl finally snapped.


I've read the tribute to the nice guys; this is my response.

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)

Sometimes the nice girl gets sick of waiting

posted by pinay freestyle @ 2:27 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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tribute to nice girls number 1

[note: my cousin ai had this on her myspace blog and upon reading this, i realize, wait a minute, this is me being describe. so, thanks cousin ai, this is so me!]

Tribute to the Nice Girls
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

more odes to nice girls...I agree with this one too.

This is a tribute to the nice girls. These are the girls who are safe. The girls whom guys who have girlfriends are allowed to hang out with because they..re not viewed as a threat. These are the girls who dress respectably . . . they don..t go and get ..skank clothes.. and parade themselves around, catching the attention of every drooling, testosterone-filled boy on earth. These are the girls who are okay with going to chick-fil-a on a date, hanging out, watching a movie, playing a game, or doing some other low-cost, high-fun form of entertainment. Because after all, it..s really about the quality time that they spend with the guy and not the amount of money that is flowing from his pockets in order to please her every whim and desire (or so he thinks) during the date.

This is in honor of the girls who take the time to ask their guy friends ..how..s life?.. and to listen carefully when the answer is given. The girls who go out of their way to make cookies or cheer up male friends in distress. Yeah, we know ..men are from Mars.. and ..women are from Venus,.. but a simple ..thank you.. is pretty darn universal.

This goes out to the girls who must sit complacently while their guy friends discuss the ..hotness.. of the girl at the next table over. They watch as these guys date or lust over each and every self-centered, trashy, insecure, flirtatious, and flighty girl they come into contact with.

When asked, most guys say they would like to date a nice girl. However, when faced with such an opportunity, they claim that ..I love her . . .like a little sister.. or ..there are no such things as nice girls. They..re all evil... These guys continue to complain about how all girls are ..manipulative.. and ..gossipy.. and wonder why in the world they all go to the bathroom at the same time.

But, we must confess, there are guys out there who realize the value of their nice friends who are girls. These are the guys who should be praised for their willingness to go with the flow, hang out, and chill. These guys, however, fail to consider these nice girls as anything more than friends or to step up to the plate and consider them for a Saturday night date or the upcoming dance even though they possess all the qualities that guys claim they are looking for. But, a note to the nice girls. Eventually all guys will (or at least should) realize that they don..t want to have a relationship with a girl who wants all of their money and who will only date them until a guy who is better or more enhancing for her social status comes along. So, until those guys realize what is right in front of them, a word of encouragement to the nice girls. You know who you are, and I know you..re sick of being treated like a doormat. In all honesty, you are valuable. Clearly, you possess qualities that cause your guy friends to want to hang out with you. The world needs your encouragement, your willingness to take part in spontaneous activities, your ability to continue to enjoy life even though you watch as countless nasty, malicious female sirens blind the nice guys with their alluring ways. For all of the random, frustrating, and seemingly non-sensical things you tolerate, don..t lose hope. Nice guys do exist and will someday realize that nice girls, who are not evil, exist as well. Fear not, your day will come. And perhaps your prince will too.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 2:25 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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pinilit kong magsulat ng aking tunay na nararamdaman.

isa-isa inaalala ko ang ating natirang magandang ala-ala.

gustong kong simulan ang pagsulat ng titik at salita...

ngunit mahirap magsulat kung ang puso'y pilit pa ring naghihilom.

walang isang salita ang akop sa tunay kong nararamdaman ngayon.

dahil nandoon pa rin ang pait at sakit na natira.

pasisimulan ko na lang ng "kumusta ka na?"

marami pa akong gustong itanong.

marami kang dapat sagutin.

marami akong gustong sabihin.

subalit hindi pa ito ang tamang panahon.

hanggang doon na lang muna.

saka na iyong iba...

saka na...

kapag wala ng pait.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 11:12 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

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love

is

like

being drunk with alcohol,

when you are under the influence of it

you tend to do things that you regret later on.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 2:47 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

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"Relationships--of all kinds--are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost."

posted by pinay freestyle @ 4:28 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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empty YET whole

A wave of loneliness engulfs my soul,
Leaving me empty yet making me whole.

There is nothing sweet about this salty tear,
A little bit of sadness a little bit of fear.

I had so much fun when we were together,
I didn’t think I could ask for anything better.

I wonder why I fell so fast,
Maybe it was all the signs that it would last.

Now fate says that we must be alone,
I wonder if there was more love I could of shown.

In my heart I really do know,
What he must do why he must go.

There is not a lot that I can say,
I just pray to God the wound heals some day.

A wave of loneliness engulfs my soul,
Leaving me empty yet making me whole.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 12:31 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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friennds

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo,
but what you want is someone
who will take the bus with you
when the limo breaks down."

posted by pinay freestyle @ 2:24 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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