just couple of weeks ago, i prayed for the pain of my past to end. i waited for answer but after waiting for what seemed like endless nights, i felt as if the Lord took me forgranted. just couple days ago, one week from yesterday in exact, i found myself in a follow prayer but this time, asking for someone with my specific
"standards" to touch my life again and love me for who i am. the day before yesterday, i kneeled infront of the unlit crucifix at st. basil staring at the crucified Christ, and i asked for the same prayer. but this time, i was asking him to guide you and protect you. i found that strangly weird because i normally ray for my family and close friends but not for someone i don't even know completely like you.
when you asked me why do i always act like a warrior, armored and shielded and ready to fight all the time when i am asked with matters of the heart?and i quickly told you that the explanation to this strange behavior is because i am jsut protecting myself from being hurt again. i'm just not willing to let my guards down completely. and you asked me, "why" again, and all i could utter is because i don't want to be hurt again. i'm just terrified, period.
then you asked me, " do i love you?" and i was so confused why you asked me that question. here we are, just 2 months ago, we were complete strangers and now, we are sharingf our innermost secrets. something that is so rare because i don't share my private woes and my life story to everyone besides the close friends and family whom trust the most. then you repeated the question, " do you feel any love for me...even if it's just a little...? i'm not expecting you to be INLOVE with me, but do you feel even JUST A LITTLE BIT of love for me?"
i found myself tongue tied. for what it seemed forever, i thought about what you ask me and i was caught speechless because in my entire life, i was never asked by such query. why would a guy who said he liked me two months ago think i would have love for him? truth is, i find you so intriguing. for most people who knew me, they know i am avoiding this topic of love for six months now. and here i am confronted by you, asking me sensitive question whom no one dared to ever ask me.
but no, you were persistent. you asked me for the third time, "do you have any bit of love for me? even just a little bit?" i thought about asking you, " why do you ask me such questions but i decided to keep my mouth shut and refocus what answer i will give you. out of it came, " well, i... like... you...." and i was dreading that. talking to myself in my head, i told myself, " wait a minute, di dyou just tell a guy you liked him? that is so NOT you, girl!" i felt so embarrassed.
"you liked me? and i liked you...but i think i am falling for you," you uttered back. all these skeptical thoughts went to my head which i eventually told you, "how can you like someone you just got to know in two months? it just doesn't make sense to me." and then you told m,e i would not know that because i amnot in your shoes. while i was asking you, "why me?" questions you kept responding, "why NOT you?" you even mentioned that eventhough it is only been two months it does not mean, you can not see the wonderful quealities i have that attracted you to me. honestly though, i was flattered but i kept it to myself.
just wehn i thought you forgot about it, you asked me again, this time for the fourth attempt, " so, do you feel any love for me?" and i this time, i answered you don't even know me to start falling for me. and you counterargued that it doesn't take a life time to realize you have feelings for someone because of their genuine kindness. you said that you were drawn to my humor, my kindness, my "sweetness" and you said, you felt that towards me.
so yes, we went to the fifth time, " so, you're not answering my question, do you feel any love for me? i am not asking if you are in love with me. i am just asking you if you feel even little bit of love towards me...be honest." truthfully, i did not want to answer. even if i did feel any love for you, i told myself i was not going to admit it. then there it goes, the more i tell myself to not be affected by that question, the more i am hammerred by it in my head. the more i convince myself that maybe i am just infatuated by the fact that you like me, i should not let myself be suck in to the idea of it.
then my heart started pounding too fast.and i seem to feel every heart beat. the butterflies suddenly fluctuated in my stomach and they seemed to fly around it. for the first time in so long, i started to feel butterflies in my stomach and i am becoming over obssessed with the idea that, perhaps, i like you more than i thought i did. it's been a while since i had such side effects of high anxiety and excitement. but was it anxiety? was it excitment? even worse, was it love?
you waited for me to answer while all this cogitation are spinning in my head and while this pounding are felt in my heart. and i keep telling myself, i am scared. i don't want to answer. i told myself don't answer. dont say anything. just act casual and normal and don't show any signs of distress or uncomfortability around him. and just ignore all his questions. i was talking to myself and reminding my own self to disregard the question........just DISREGARD....breath in ...breath out...stay calm...stay zen.
and then i just blurted, THERE'S LOVE FOR YOU THERE! but....right now, IT'S A SEEDLING! it has yet to grow." there i said it. " I THINK I AM FALLING FOR YOU, BUT IT'S TOO LITTLE TO TELL YOU, REALLY BUT THERE'S SOMETHING THERE...okay? "
and all i can remember was your unexpected reply, " that's enough for me to love you. i'd rather have that seedling, so i can give it roots and make it grow. i'll try to take care of it. show sunshine and shower it with water so it will grow and bud and flourish."
the hundred butterflies in my stomach multiplied into one thousand. boy, i was not going to lie. i was floating in the air. i thought i was on drugs but i am so wide awake. i even knew the time, it was 3:23 am! on thanksgiving day, november 23. i was that aware of it but i wasn't showing you any of these odd behavior.
there were more utters exchanged. all i can recall at this point is when you said," I LOVE YOU ( even if it's a seedling)" to me. i find myself melting. before, i encircled myself in a block of thick ice so no one can melt it. i would be inside and i'll stay numb. but you melted the ice of emotions. i was no longer that zombie that went with the flow. for the first time in a long time, i felt the "kilg" factor, the feeling of having your stomach turn upside down like riding a roller coaster and you feel this because you're happy.
then i can't help but ask myself...
is this a start of something wonderful?
will the seedling become what it supposed to be?
will the seedling develop strong roots enough to survive?
will the seedling grow and flousrish?
i guess i will nevr know unless i try, right?
so...
mr.
i just spoke to you. you greeted me, 'HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! hushhh...I THINK I LOVE YOU...hush...I LOVE YOU...even if it's a seedling...I..JUST ...LOVE YOU..." please tell me i am not dreaming. for if i am, then i don't want to wake up.
couple of weeks ago, i prayed for someone to love me for who i am---simple as that. on thanskgiving day, HE gave YOU to me. my Lord is wonderful, isn't he?
this is just a start. i can't wait until i'll be in your arms again. =)
love,
len
posted by pinay freestyle @ 11:55 PM
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