attacked
there this guy professing his "
admiration" for me. let's call him "
HON." ( note: hon does not stand for "honey" or any another expression of affection. this is nothing but a code). hon last night, stuttured as he tells me he likes me.
"why?," i asked him, "
what makes you like me?," he starts to be speechless and gets toungue tied with his phrases. trying to regain his composure,"
it's your personality...you're funny, you're intelligent, you are beautiful....," he replied.
of course, i blushed. i'm flattered. it seems that his intentions are clean and true. and i truly find that appealing. he is genuinely nice. very caring towards his friends and family. i have been seeing him for the past month or so. it's such an ovberwhelming feeling that someone admires you.
funny because i have gone out with several dates with "ab" and "kuya" for the past month also. but there was some awkwardness because i never really gone out with a really good friend. and so i was thinking i did not want to ruin my friendships with these guys.
but then as i listen to hon unfold this "liking" towards me, the recurrent fear attacked me again: the fears of "
what ifs," the fear of "
another cheater," the fear...to like someone or even love again. after the last blows of the broken heart and a dozen assholes that i had in my past, i was immensely scared that someone even liked me this much.
i did not want to hurt him. i did not want to let this chance pass me by. i just felt like i am not ready to love again. it does not leam he can not be a potential. he can and he is not easy to love. i'm just....i am just afraid.
so i took a big sigh and replied,
"if you're asking if i like how you are, i really like you as a person. if you are asking me if i feel the same way for you, i really can not tell right not. however, i do feel you are truly nice and you treated me like a queen, and that means a lot to me. for now, i really think you should get to know me more. i have flaws too, but thank you for tellling me what you feel. i know that was not easy. but you braved it. "
he smiled at me. he said,
" that's good enough."
hallow me
the past few weeks, i find it so difficult to describe what i am going through emotionally. the emotional wrecking and demolition done by the people around me and close to me impaired me to go through things smoothly and look at things in a positive aspect.
the emptiness is drowning me slowly. the negativities has swallowed me whole. sometimes, i have nothing to look forward to. the damage done was so immense. how can you heal a heart that has been decapitated so many times? how can i revamp a soul that has been destroyed by the people you trusted and loved? especially listen to angry words from the one who brought you to this world?
mom said, " [ i am ] the 'black sheep' of this family. i thought i paid my dues. and now, she 's still making me pay for my mistakes from the past. i worked so hard ot be somebody, to excel at womething. just for once, i wanted her to say that she was "proud of me." but all this time, while i strived so hard and gave it all my best to make her proud, it was never enough. i can never be SONEONE to her because she said i have hurt her in the past.
long said," [i don't] do shit for him. that i was selfish...that [i was] never a role model to him." that was painful to hear because early in my chidhood life, i learned to give up so many things for my siblings. even if it was my last bite, and if one of them asks for it, i will give it to them. i gave up the opportunity to go to a good university then because my mom could not afford to send two people in college. i had to settle for a community college. i am slowly gettign financially stable and i give them eveyrthing they need material wise. everything i did for them. he had no right to call me selfish.
then the wounds of my past started oozing again ...
when glenn, my ex, reminisced stories of our pasts. then how he tells me about his wife and son:. his "wife" was the girl he cheated on me with. the unwanted pregnancy from that casual one night stand sex was now his" son."
ron's mom called me and asked me if ron can call me. she told me how ron's real friends were me and brent. the rest were just decorations. she said i was different. i was the girl who loved his son during his best and worst. i was the girl who stood beside ron during good and bad times. and then she blurted out, " i don't knwo why he went for kelly after you. kelly was the complete oppsite of you. no direction."
over and over again, i am trying to find where i belong. i am in the process of buying a house in las vegas and i hope i find it there. but then who knows twhere the road of life leads us?
some day, i will find myself. and i will tell you about it.
