HAUNTED
i remember it so clearly. i came home from modesto. we were supposed to be together after the thanksgiving family dinners with our loved ones. but he never showed up nor did he even call. when i tried to reach him, no one could tell me where his whereabouts. he left me and did not tell me where was. i remembered so well. it was thanksgiving day and the year was 2001.
that
he was ron, the cad who disabled me to love as wholly and as complete as i did before. he left me then. just when i thought i was over him, he came back to my life five months after that thanksgiving day. i drilled him with my unanswered querries. one by one, day after day, he told me what had happened. it was an inevitable mistake. he needed to be far from me due to other personal reasons.
i took him back. he provided me with fresh promises and diligent courtship. though we had to go through some distance, these were the times that i thought made our relationship stronger. i thought theni would be looking forward to having ron by my side after our struggle. and just when he came back again, he never spoke to me nor attempted to see me.
he then told all our friends, " i was all over him like a snake." at that time, that was the most painful part of all. to hear someoneyou thought loved say to his friends that he no longer had the same admiration to you and yet, when you are with him, he kept saying he loved you. i could not believe what i was hearing during those moments. so my best response the next day was to confront him about the torment and his delusions of telling everyone that i am the "snake" whose all over him was a complete lie. oh how he wished.
rigth then and there, i told him that from that day forward i would never want to any sort of connections with him. he asked is we can even be friends and i turned all of the offers down. i left . i left behind all the memories as well. i tried to burry al of it one by one. send back all the things he gave me. ALL OF IT. it was not helping me to see it with me. i never spoke nor see him. and i think even if i did run into him at that time, i will pretend i never knew him.
that was a year ago.
i heard he was with someone couple months after me. his friends called me and they told me that she was ruinign ron's life. even his mom and often and she would openly discuss with me how she wanted her son to be with me. i informed her i was with jason. and i am sure that news reached him.
i thought that will be the end of the len-ron love story. i tried to let everything go. every single memory with him i wished to erase. for every time, he crossed my mind, there was a pinch in my heart because he is the reason why i can no longer love like i used to. because he tore the entire me into debris and i am still putting myself back up until this very day.
then just when i thought he is out of my life........
last week, i started getting strange phonecalls and messages on my cell phone and my answering machine at home. my first gut told me it was ron. i think he was in trouble again. but i hesitated. but it kept giving me butterflies in my stomach. it was mixed emotions. i was scared and curious at the same time.
then last weekend, it was confirmed. IT IS RON. and just i confidently contemplated, he is in the same sink hole again. he was in the same position when he left me the first time. he is far again. and he is going through life changes again. and when he is in a difficult time, i am ALWAYS the first person he calls.
i spoke to his mom regarding his situation. and sometimes, he would talk to me about the girl he was supposedly with. but i discovered from him too that they were no longer an item. and he slipped when mentioned to me that the reason why they broke up was me: because she was intimidated of me. because she thought ron still wants to be with me.
my insomnia has occured again. i was very ill this week and yet, i maged to do days straight of 16 hours at work. and i am very sick ight now but i have been forcing to tire myself out just so i can sleep when i go home. but if you noticed, the time now is 4:49 in the morning.
all of the sudden, all my journal entries contained ron's name again. he calls me gazilion times a day AGAIN. for the first few days, i talked to him. then lately, i avoided his calls. i realized this was the asshole who broke not only my heart but the entire me. and despite the fact that i forgave him, i am and will be forever arnished of the immense hurt he caused me. he left me at my lowest point. he used me at the time he knew i was very gullible.
i have not spoke to him. talking to him brings back the twinge. i wanted to ask him a lot of things. i wanted to confront him more of the unsolved issues between us. but the truth is,i do not know how. and i am asking myself now,
" for what? I am no longer with him." i am still undecided of what i will do next. i can make him feel the same pain he has caused me by turning away from him atthis down moment of his life. or i can be friends with him again which probably difficult to do. i am so confused.
i am not sure what the next days will be. i am sure i will have a difficult time sleeping. i am sure the pain will reoccur as i talk to him even more. and the hurtful memories will haunt me all over again. but i will try to cy it off. shrugged it off my shoulders.
but if there was one thing i have to give credit to ron was the lesson of strength. i read from somewhere before that
" the hardest teacher is experience. because one have to go through it first before one gets the lesson. " ron taught me that
"only the strong survives in this fucked up world." after he crippled my heart with his broken promises, this theory was proven. after that downfall he caused me, i emerge stronger and better than the evious me. and i owe this new found spirit and strenght from him breaking my heart.
what is the color of love?
for months, i kept my unuttered miseries. i felt i was not ready to display the anguish in my heart with anyone. i told several people but only the "short-cut-i'm-okay"version. the real deal is, SOME THING (take note: NOT SOMEONE) broke my heart yet and again. so anyway, i think i am ready to say something.
jason's sisters has been rudely calling me about jason's whereabouts constantly . i know we are somewhat together but i really do not know where he is at ALL the time. they assumed that we are together all the time because not only we were neighbors buit we had the same friends from the past. but what angered me the most is that she said that i " am taking away jason from his responsibilities at home and for his family because their family needs him right now."
when i call his house to ask for him, his mom would answer the telephone and she would hung up when i call. and when i go to his house to pick him up, i was never VOLUNTARILY invited in so i stay outside in my car to wait for him. when i pas by their house, i pretend to not stop infront of their house so none of his parents or siblings will comment again.
during the times, i had conversations with his sisters defending my part, they are usually hollering and screaming and yelling at me on the phone as if i was deaf and dumb. i just chose to not go in their level. i let them let out their frustrations and i normally do not say anything. i just respond the normal
" i'll let jason know when i see or talk to him." nothing else.
but through these all, i NEVER told jason anything regarding all that was mentioned above. i thought at that time, it was not necessary. their negativities toward me will fade away. and i did not want him to gets stressed out the situation.
however, i am only human. as these arguments with his sisters over and over again confronts me almost in an everyday basis, i felt obligated to fight for myself. it was too much how they degrade me and to accused me about how i am taking jason away from them. truth is, they DO NOT KNOW me. and they had not right to judge me.
and so i had enough and i felt that this has to stop. so i told her sisters and mom off. first, i said,
" with all due respect, i wanted to know, why do you hate me so much? what have i done to you to treat me this way?" i continued about how each and every time i was there, i was always blamed because i was dating jason.
i asked them why are they so angry that jason and i are dating. he dated before me. why all these hatred towarss me? i asked that if they were basing it on my education, i have a a degree, i had a 4.0 gpa and in fact, i am a nurse and i am pretty much financially stable. if they were basing it on my morality and religion, i have been a devoted christian all my life and serve the church and the community as well.
if they are to compare my family, my mom is also a nurse and my dad is a business man, my older sister is a law degree holder and went to UCLA , my bro is taking up nursing at cal state u and my sister goes to UCSB to be a pharmacists and my little bro is a dance scholar at a performing arts HS sponsored by cal state university.
again and again, i asked them. they could not answer me. and then i left. i never told jason what happened but he fould out and got mad at me. and i explained to him how it happened the run of the events. but i walked out of that conversation. i needed not to go further with arguing with him.
days after,
"my mom wants me to marry a korean girl to preserve our culture..." he blabbered. he said he does not agree with it because he wants to me wiht me: someone who took care of hima nd showed him genuine love and care and fun. he blabbered more words after that but my mind focused on those yielded phrases. that was when i started asking whether or not i still needed to stay. then it clicked in my head. his family never based their hatred on me on anything BUT my RACE. it was the color of my skin. it was because i am filipino and not KOREAN.
over the next few days, i went back to the old me. the one that workled her butt off with 16 hours shifts right after going to school. the one who spents elongated hours studying and getting only two hours of sleep. the one who kept herself busy because she does not want to think of the pain. cell phones are off. no communication with jason and even friends. at home, i kept my silence. i was too hurt to say anything.
jason bugged me for days. he would bring me lunch at work or boba tea at home after work. i never discussed my emotions for him and over the situation. mostof the time, there were tears falling but words were not uttured. perhaps, all those times he looked in my eyes, the tears spoke for itself: there was too much pain.
i never said goodbye to him. although, i am aware how it is hurting him that he is caught in between. i know he cares for me and he also loves him family. this split love is killing him. he could not choose. it was unfair if he did. all of that i understood.
after my ex-bf ron played with my feelings and tore my heart before , i told myself that was the last time i will let someone step on my feelings all over again. i did not want to hurt anymore. so when i first felt the twinge from my developing relationship with jason, i did not want to go on anymore even when i knew that he loved me dearly.
i am tired of people who can not fight for me. glenn said he loved me but he cheated on me and got a girl pregnant. ron said he did, too but he too left with me scars i will mend forever. i do not want someone who can not fight for what he feels for me. with jay, i am not asking him to leave his family. i just wanted him to fight....to fight for me.
recently, jay asked me if were still an item. i looked at him in the eyes and i said, "you should answer that question when you are ready to fight for me. until then, we can do whatever we want."
i have not talked to him since. i heard he moved to riverside. there were times he called me but i did not answer the phone. i still pass by his house and his car is not there. i just cry it off. i do miss him but i think i have to love myself before i can love others. so i am adding this requirement to my must have list for a guy: he must fight for me against all odds.
what is the color of love? i really do not know. i love with all my heart. sometimes, i love even too blind to see any color. because i think, love should be wholeheartedly given pure and NOT based on any color. therefore, love should be just a blank canvass and whoever gives it to anyone should be the one to fill out its colors. i will wait for that painter who will paint the color of love.
