for months, i kept my unuttered miseries. i felt i was not ready to display the anguish in my heart with anyone. i told several people but only the "short-cut-i'm-okay"version. the real deal is, SOME THING (take note: NOT SOMEONE) broke my heart yet and again. so anyway, i think i am ready to say something.
jason's sisters has been rudely calling me about jason's whereabouts constantly . i know we are somewhat together but i really do not know where he is at ALL the time. they assumed that we are together all the time because not only we were neighbors buit we had the same friends from the past. but what angered me the most is that she said that i " am taking away jason from his responsibilities at home and for his family because their family needs him right now."
when i call his house to ask for him, his mom would answer the telephone and she would hung up when i call. and when i go to his house to pick him up, i was never VOLUNTARILY invited in so i stay outside in my car to wait for him. when i pas by their house, i pretend to not stop infront of their house so none of his parents or siblings will comment again.
during the times, i had conversations with his sisters defending my part, they are usually hollering and screaming and yelling at me on the phone as if i was deaf and dumb. i just chose to not go in their level. i let them let out their frustrations and i normally do not say anything. i just respond the normal " i'll let jason know when i see or talk to him." nothing else.
but through these all, i NEVER told jason anything regarding all that was mentioned above. i thought at that time, it was not necessary. their negativities toward me will fade away. and i did not want him to gets stressed out the situation.
however, i am only human. as these arguments with his sisters over and over again confronts me almost in an everyday basis, i felt obligated to fight for myself. it was too much how they degrade me and to accused me about how i am taking jason away from them. truth is, they DO NOT KNOW me. and they had not right to judge me.
and so i had enough and i felt that this has to stop. so i told her sisters and mom off. first, i said, " with all due respect, i wanted to know, why do you hate me so much? what have i done to you to treat me this way?" i continued about how each and every time i was there, i was always blamed because i was dating jason.
i asked them why are they so angry that jason and i are dating. he dated before me. why all these hatred towarss me? i asked that if they were basing it on my education, i have a a degree, i had a 4.0 gpa and in fact, i am a nurse and i am pretty much financially stable. if they were basing it on my morality and religion, i have been a devoted christian all my life and serve the church and the community as well.
if they are to compare my family, my mom is also a nurse and my dad is a business man, my older sister is a law degree holder and went to UCLA , my bro is taking up nursing at cal state u and my sister goes to UCSB to be a pharmacists and my little bro is a dance scholar at a performing arts HS sponsored by cal state university.
again and again, i asked them. they could not answer me. and then i left. i never told jason what happened but he fould out and got mad at me. and i explained to him how it happened the run of the events. but i walked out of that conversation. i needed not to go further with arguing with him.
days after, "my mom wants me to marry a korean girl to preserve our culture..." he blabbered. he said he does not agree with it because he wants to me wiht me: someone who took care of hima nd showed him genuine love and care and fun. he blabbered more words after that but my mind focused on those yielded phrases. that was when i started asking whether or not i still needed to stay. then it clicked in my head. his family never based their hatred on me on anything BUT my RACE. it was the color of my skin. it was because i am filipino and not KOREAN.
over the next few days, i went back to the old me. the one that workled her butt off with 16 hours shifts right after going to school. the one who spents elongated hours studying and getting only two hours of sleep. the one who kept herself busy because she does not want to think of the pain. cell phones are off. no communication with jason and even friends. at home, i kept my silence. i was too hurt to say anything.
jason bugged me for days. he would bring me lunch at work or boba tea at home after work. i never discussed my emotions for him and over the situation. mostof the time, there were tears falling but words were not uttured. perhaps, all those times he looked in my eyes, the tears spoke for itself: there was too much pain.
i never said goodbye to him. although, i am aware how it is hurting him that he is caught in between. i know he cares for me and he also loves him family. this split love is killing him. he could not choose. it was unfair if he did. all of that i understood.
after my ex-bf ron played with my feelings and tore my heart before , i told myself that was the last time i will let someone step on my feelings all over again. i did not want to hurt anymore. so when i first felt the twinge from my developing relationship with jason, i did not want to go on anymore even when i knew that he loved me dearly.
i am tired of people who can not fight for me. glenn said he loved me but he cheated on me and got a girl pregnant. ron said he did, too but he too left with me scars i will mend forever. i do not want someone who can not fight for what he feels for me. with jay, i am not asking him to leave his family. i just wanted him to fight....to fight for me.
recently, jay asked me if were still an item. i looked at him in the eyes and i said, "you should answer that question when you are ready to fight for me. until then, we can do whatever we want."
i have not talked to him since. i heard he moved to riverside. there were times he called me but i did not answer the phone. i still pass by his house and his car is not there. i just cry it off. i do miss him but i think i have to love myself before i can love others. so i am adding this requirement to my must have list for a guy: he must fight for me against all odds.
what is the color of love? i really do not know. i love with all my heart. sometimes, i love even too blind to see any color. because i think, love should be wholeheartedly given pure and NOT based on any color. therefore, love should be just a blank canvass and whoever gives it to anyone should be the one to fill out its colors. i will wait for that painter who will paint the color of love.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 11:51 AM
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