did i tell you this week jayson ( the new korean guy i have been hanging out with) went to my house and actually introduced himself to my father? to make it even more interesting, this guy talked to my father in front of our house when i was nto there. i was appalled. and for the first time in a long time, based from the gesture jay did, the fear haunted me again. and this time, the fear grew immense.
just couple minutes ago, i started scribbling my conflicting emotions in my diary. i had left it alone for four months now. the last entry was still about my ex. and i did not know what to write. i guess, no matter how i am trying to ignore it, i could not deny that i am somewhat magnetize by jay's charm. i really could not explain what i am feeling either. it's just...it's been a while.
and jay... it's just he is not only my physical preference ( chinky eyed, oriental looking, tall , clean nails and shoes!!!) but his qualities really mesmerize me ( very intelligent ---goes to UC Riverside [ one have to have a 4.0 before one can even enter to UCR especially if you ar Asian], he loved his family and very responsoble [his father had a stroke this year and jay had taken over his dad's responsibilities at home], works very hard at everything ( for instance, since i had been ignoring him for the past few days, he has been making the move to get to know my entire family hahaha).
little does he know that the only reason why i had been avoiding him is that i am scared to even like him. i wonder if he realuzed i have been trying to look for something in him that would completely throw me off. the bad thing is, i have not. each and every day he dared to call me or visit me and i turned it down, the more i felt guilty and returned his calls. and we talked even more. and i discovered more things about him that attracts me.
i'm not in love yet. i just like him. just plain like that because i am holding off from going beyond liking anyone right now. sometimes, the brain can not stop the heart from closing its doors to the world. i thought i was strong enough to witheld my emotions to anyone. i realized i am human. a human that no matter how many times i shielded my heart into liking anyone, the emotions still unlocked the gates of pretending.
all in all, i realized i have been pretending to be numb. i kept all my lingerings to myself. i locked myself into not feeling anything. i thought i was good at it. but later, as i have been haunted by this fear again, i contemplated, and i realized...i'm such a wimp with this thing called love and i need to get over it and face it.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 12:01 AM
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