i have not been eating. always late for work. and when i am at work, i am not the same len that worked her butt off. when i am home, i spent my elongated hours locked in my room and tucked under the blankets...crying. lately, i lost my drive to go on. i could not exactly describe my mixed emotions. everything is overwhelming. and no one knows about my hidden frustrations.
jason is wonderful. i could not complain about him. he has done so much cheering up for me. i love being with him because he always make my time with him worthwhile. and just when i thought life is almost good to me, ron, the recent cad, who broke my heart, enters my life again...determined to destroy it.
ron has been calling me endlessly the past weeks. someone informed me that he ran away from home. just when i was quite worried about this guy, he showed up in my house to borrow money. and when i declined, he uttured hurtful accusations against me: why he left me, why i am such a b****, why i am this and that. more than that, the girl he was "seeing" was there to watch it. he has been calling me at work gazillion times a day. his family have not stopped asking me about him. there were times he threatenened me.i am scared for my life lately. i had been watchign my back because i am afraid someone is watching me. maybe, someone is waiting for me. i know someone has been following me (i never told him where i worked or go to school but he knew where to call me).
it has been too much....
i have been in such agony and stress lately. the twinge that i forcedfully erase and forget from being with ron then just came back and haunted me again. and this time, it has hit me twice as hard. it pounded me twice the power of the torment it was the first time. to see him there say all these undeserving words to wards me and worse yet, watch him cuss me out in front of the girl who had done no sacrifice as i had done for him when we were together.
no one knows the depth of my anguish. i informed some friends some part of it. but no one really knows how it has put a crucifying strain on my life now. i can not function like i used to. i masked my twinge so good that hardly anyone knows that my lacerated heart is bleeding in tears. that i am grieving for help. that i am suffocating from my unrevealed wound.
my heart is splinterized in fragments. my preserved esteem has been demoralized and wrecked in unrecognizable debris. i truly feel worthlessly tarnished. it is that time again to mend my excruciating soul and rebuild my disfigured heart. i was trying to that already until the monster ( ron) deformed, weakened and incapacitated me.
it will take a long time. but i am a nurse. i hope to cure my self. if skinned wounds and broken bones can heal, perhaps a distorted self esteem, a despattered spirit and a crippled heart can, too.
(note: this entry might be used for as a legal document in court just in case i do file for harrassment case againts ron).
posted by pinay freestyle @ 12:35 PM
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