+++ MY SILENT REVERIES +++

Friday, November 28, 2003

HAUNTED

i remember it so clearly. i came home from modesto. we were supposed to be together after the thanksgiving family dinners with our loved ones. but he never showed up nor did he even call. when i tried to reach him, no one could tell me where his whereabouts. he left me and did not tell me where was. i remembered so well. it was thanksgiving day and the year was 2001.

that he was ron, the cad who disabled me to love as wholly and as complete as i did before. he left me then. just when i thought i was over him, he came back to my life five months after that thanksgiving day. i drilled him with my unanswered querries. one by one, day after day, he told me what had happened. it was an inevitable mistake. he needed to be far from me due to other personal reasons.

i took him back. he provided me with fresh promises and diligent courtship. though we had to go through some distance, these were the times that i thought made our relationship stronger. i thought theni would be looking forward to having ron by my side after our struggle. and just when he came back again, he never spoke to me nor attempted to see me.

he then told all our friends, " i was all over him like a snake." at that time, that was the most painful part of all. to hear someoneyou thought loved say to his friends that he no longer had the same admiration to you and yet, when you are with him, he kept saying he loved you. i could not believe what i was hearing during those moments. so my best response the next day was to confront him about the torment and his delusions of telling everyone that i am the "snake" whose all over him was a complete lie. oh how he wished.

rigth then and there, i told him that from that day forward i would never want to any sort of connections with him. he asked is we can even be friends and i turned all of the offers down. i left . i left behind all the memories as well. i tried to burry al of it one by one. send back all the things he gave me. ALL OF IT. it was not helping me to see it with me. i never spoke nor see him. and i think even if i did run into him at that time, i will pretend i never knew him.

that was a year ago.

i heard he was with someone couple months after me. his friends called me and they told me that she was ruinign ron's life. even his mom and often and she would openly discuss with me how she wanted her son to be with me. i informed her i was with jason. and i am sure that news reached him.

i thought that will be the end of the len-ron love story. i tried to let everything go. every single memory with him i wished to erase. for every time, he crossed my mind, there was a pinch in my heart because he is the reason why i can no longer love like i used to. because he tore the entire me into debris and i am still putting myself back up until this very day.

then just when i thought he is out of my life........

last week, i started getting strange phonecalls and messages on my cell phone and my answering machine at home. my first gut told me it was ron. i think he was in trouble again. but i hesitated. but it kept giving me butterflies in my stomach. it was mixed emotions. i was scared and curious at the same time.

then last weekend, it was confirmed. IT IS RON. and just i confidently contemplated, he is in the same sink hole again. he was in the same position when he left me the first time. he is far again. and he is going through life changes again. and when he is in a difficult time, i am ALWAYS the first person he calls.

i spoke to his mom regarding his situation. and sometimes, he would talk to me about the girl he was supposedly with. but i discovered from him too that they were no longer an item. and he slipped when mentioned to me that the reason why they broke up was me: because she was intimidated of me. because she thought ron still wants to be with me.

my insomnia has occured again. i was very ill this week and yet, i maged to do days straight of 16 hours at work. and i am very sick ight now but i have been forcing to tire myself out just so i can sleep when i go home. but if you noticed, the time now is 4:49 in the morning.

all of the sudden, all my journal entries contained ron's name again. he calls me gazilion times a day AGAIN. for the first few days, i talked to him. then lately, i avoided his calls. i realized this was the asshole who broke not only my heart but the entire me. and despite the fact that i forgave him, i am and will be forever arnished of the immense hurt he caused me. he left me at my lowest point. he used me at the time he knew i was very gullible.

i have not spoke to him. talking to him brings back the twinge. i wanted to ask him a lot of things. i wanted to confront him more of the unsolved issues between us. but the truth is,i do not know how. and i am asking myself now, " for what? I am no longer with him." i am still undecided of what i will do next. i can make him feel the same pain he has caused me by turning away from him atthis down moment of his life. or i can be friends with him again which probably difficult to do. i am so confused.

i am not sure what the next days will be. i am sure i will have a difficult time sleeping. i am sure the pain will reoccur as i talk to him even more. and the hurtful memories will haunt me all over again. but i will try to cy it off. shrugged it off my shoulders.

but if there was one thing i have to give credit to ron was the lesson of strength. i read from somewhere before that " the hardest teacher is experience. because one have to go through it first before one gets the lesson. " ron taught me that "only the strong survives in this fucked up world." after he crippled my heart with his broken promises, this theory was proven. after that downfall he caused me, i emerge stronger and better than the evious me. and i owe this new found spirit and strenght from him breaking my heart.

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