he loved me...
he remarked, "
i was like a jewel every hunter seeks to find."he begged me to not laugh as he proclaimed he was
"falling"for me.he declared
"he really loved me."he assured that if anything was to happen to him, he reaffirmed me to remember that his love for me was
"true and real."
again, he cited he loved me. ( sure he did).
but then, he departed. no words were said.he withdrew in silence.he just faded away .......for a long while.
whoa. he returned as if everyhting he left was normal. he desired everything like the way it used to be. once again, he professed his love for me.he promised that
"this time he will stay." "why?," i asked.
"because i really cared, " he responded,
"it's just i was scared..."
"scared of what?" i asked myself.if he really loved me, why did he leave in the first place? if i meant something to him, why was i the frist person he dropped? these were just some of the questions lingering in my head. a gazillion of them, in fact. all of them he will probably will never answer.
silence multiplied after that. he expected he will be bombarded with questions. he was expected to reply with some kind of explanation. he never did. he never had the courage to. he never opened up any response i wanted to hear.
second time around, he faded like a bubble. this time there was a bigger excuse. and he had a problem and i helped him...all the way...even when it was the roughest time of his life. he clinged to me. i felt as if he needed me.
i made a move to discuss some unsaid issue with him. once again, he showered me with all these "i-care-for-you-and-i-love-you" drama. love letters, gifts, phone calls, unexpected visits here and there. he was trying to sweep me off my feet....AGAIN. o recognized his romantic tactics but i watched every move cautiously.
i loved him. the flame was burnign inside me. i wanted him to be really serious this time. how many times can he break my heart or how many silent good byes can i handle to make me realized that he was foolin' me? is this the time? did he meant it this time? gosh i loved him...more than he will ever know.
but i stopped.
there was overflowing amount of pain. i endured every sacrifices. i have given him my utmost understanding. i tolerated the painful and silent farewells. i took him back hoping for a better me and him. though tears and laughter, i stayed. through thick and thin, i was behind him. to me that was LOVE.
was i happy?
he uttered,
"he loved me."
i thought he did.
perhaps, some time ago, he did. maybe some of me he did loved. or he might have just needed me.
yet, it's crushing me into debris.
i just realized all these times he said he loved me....
...he lied.
LOVE??
i was talking to nicky ( ron's friend's girl) about my situation with ron:
that he calls me almost everyday and we talk and yeah...like friends.
suddenly, ron calls on the other line of her cell and she decided to put me on three way with ron and not tell ron i was there on conference call.
nicky:
hey ron, how's len?
ron:
that girl, she's all over me like a snake. why can't she just accept it's over?!
well, to cut the conversation, he went on about feeling macho and all that. it's funny because i was the one who decided to be friends. yes, i admitted i loved him but i knew his dreams are more important than our relationship so i had to let it go. and he calls me and we talk almost everyday as friends. i swear on my parents that i never called him unless i have to return his calls. and he claims i'm "all over him?" i was mortified.
after this incident, i cried to my friends. i guess, i just needed to vent out because it was too much to handle. then i went in daze and confusion. i was really hurt because i feel as if i needed some sort of respect as an exgirlfirend or even as a friend. but no. the man i loved and still do made me look like a fool. while he is right there facing me, i see this different guy who USED to love me. and when i turn my back, i see an asshole who stabs my back over and over without me knowing. .
at first, cowardness enveloped me. i felt it was okay to not settle this conflict, to just let ron stepp all over me. anyway, i was kind of decided to just put this off thru silence. but i read his letters over and over...phrases of i love you and i need you and i miss you. i tore me even more. how can someone you love dearly say something else when i have all these papers to prove it? how can he say he cared for me when i am there talking to him when behind my back he was making me look like a thirsty lover?
rage hovered in my system. i was upset. i was disappointed. out of anger, i packed every single letter and whatever else he gave me in a box. i went to the post office and mail it to him because i did not want to see him anymore. i'm afraid i might cry infrotn of him because of all these emotions. he kept calling as if he did not do anything wrong. that pained me even more. it was killing me inside.
finally he called. and all this anger built inside busted out. full of fury and ire, i defended myself,
" ron, we need to talk." i confronted him about the wrong accusations and his ego and delusions that i was supposedly all over him. i told him i heard the conversation from him himself because i was on the three way. i uttered that he was a wimpy chicken without balls to tell me what he really felt and that he was an asshole for mastering the perfection of a liar.
so he gets upset. i added he can get mad for all i care but i am not goign to believe what he had to say. i even said he wished i was all over him. he wished he was over me. please. and that he had no right to get mad. if ever, the best thign for him to do right at that moment is to apologize and perhaps, i can still accept his apologies.
so he asked, " can we still be friends?"
"frankly, at the moment, i don't even want to talk to you., " i replied firmly.
then i added, " truth is....i wanted to say this for a long time...F**K YOU, ron. i really mean it this time."
i hung up the phone. still hurt but somewhat proud. i can not let people step on me. i cannot let poeple treat me like shit. i can not let them tear me apart.....
....nobody....
......... not even people i loved dearly.
