Chapter Closed
The silence of the night inspired me to write. With my old school journal and paper, I scanned my feelings and I focused my mind.Yet, the words with the right meaning were not easy to find.
In a race to pass thetime, I had to make it rhyme.So is it really worth it? Or am I just wasting my time.Shall I brake with tradition ? And just jot down what comes to mind ? It's either or neither, I guess I'll go for the truth. What I truly feel.
There's no simplification. There's no exaggeration. I speak my emotion. It's my heart's pure expression. The story of my endeavoured love turned sour. Once that was filled with humour, smile and laughters. But twisted with fate, it's now completely over.
Just when I did pick up the courage to tell you what I felt. My hope to have you in my life turned into rage. The unexpected lies you uttered. I was broken and shattered.I accepted defeat. I bowed in a gracious retreat.Though,It took time for me to realize. In the end, it was a blessing in disguise.For this is just another chapter in our book called life.
I just turned the page over. Our chapter is closed. Perhaps, even gone.
The pages we filled .The story done.A happy ending?Well, not this time.
The sad reality is, This story is mine.
The laughters and tears. It will remain there,The fun and fear are gone again.
The ink is dry. The paper crisp. The journey's over. At least for now.No more wishful thinking. The tears are now falling. With the last page open; I sign the words I hate: THIS IS THE END OF US.Ciao.
LOVE, NONETHELESS
[note:i don't know how i got into writing. as a child, i enjoyed making those fiction novels fantasizing about new kids on the block. as an teen, i wrote plays and dialouge projects for school. as a young adult, i wrote love letterrs for my friend's partners ( they forced me anyway). as an adult, i wrote my untold emotions. it was a way to vent. this next entry is one of my first musings about falling in love. and it was written 5 years ago on this very date. i want to share it with you.]
LOVE, nonetheless
love is taken forgranted many times in our lives,
whether it be that love of a family, friend or a lover.
the saddest part is that, that love often goes unrealized,
not fully understood, and not appreciated.
why can't they see that this love comes naturally?
no amount of reasons can measure it if it's real.
only the the person who is loving can show
the depth,
the meaning,
the strength.
but that is only possible when the person who is loved can love back.
maybe not in the same length,
nor perhaps to the same degree,
but LOVE, nonetheless.
although love can be everything,
some times, it is not always enough.
some times, one chooses to sacrifice happiness for love.
but there are times when one must sacrifice love for happiness.
sometimes, LOVE means not loving too much,
or loving just enough to let go
for the betterment of the other person.
whether LOVE lasts
or LOVE is lost,
it is LOVE, nonetheless.
so this i say,
you may not love me in any way.
you may not fully comprehend
what and how i feel for you,
yet,
I LOVE,
nonetheless
i was watching PDA on TFC and then they played this song. i remember playing this song on the piano when i was young in the philippines. excuse me for being all emo about it. but i love the lyrics and i'm goign to post it here.
Say You'll Never Go
by Neocolours
album:
How can I make it through the day
Without you
You have been so much a part of me
(and if you'll go)
I'll never know what to do
How can I carry on my way
The memories
When all that is left is the pain of our history
Why should I live my life today
I cannot live out on my own
And just forget the love you've always shown
And accept the fate of my condition
Please don't ever go
For I cannot live my life alone
CHORUS:
Say you'll never go
Say you'll never go out my way
Say you'll never go
For we can still go on
And make it through
Just say you'll never go
Say you'll never go away
How can I make my dreams come true
Without you
You were the one who gave love to me
(And don't you know)
You are my fantasy
How can I carry on my way
The memories
When all that is left is the pain of our history
Why should I live my life today
I cannot live out on my own
(I can't do anything at all)
And just forget the love you've always shown
Or accept the fate of my condition
Please don't ever go
For I cannot live my life alone
CHORUS:
Say you'll never go
Say you'll never go out my way
Say you'll never go
For we can still go on
And make it through
Just say you'll never go
Say you'll never go away
(Instrumental)
CHORUS:
Say you'll never go
Say you'll never go out my way
Say you'll never go
For we can still go on
And make it through
Just say you'll never go
Say you'll never go away
departure
last night, while i'm awakened from the pang of my swollen, freshly operated foot, i struggled to go to sleep. yet, i couldn't put myself back to snooze. i was thinking until my brain hurts.
was i actually awaken by the ache from the unhealed wound of my still swollen and sore foot? or was i awaken by the many unrid thoughts in my head about the recent torment of love i have been through?
how many more times will i go through healing? i'm healing a physical skin laceration from the surgery. but in time, that will heal. even more, i'm mending an emotional wound from loving a best friend who loved me then loved someone else after. like a child, i wanted to ask, " when will this boo-boo go away?" yet, the answer remains uncertain.
margaret mitchelle once said, "i was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. what is broken is broken -- and i'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived."
was my decision to leave and leave everything i had with him behind the best decision to do? because like a ghost, the spirits of the broken heart and out past memories together haunts me. and perhaps, i realized, i still miss him and i worry about him. but the painful part is, i think he does not feel the same way because i feel it.
why is it so hard to is love someone who used to love you? why does the twinge hurt more when you leave everything you had because it was not worth staying there? i left because i felt it was time after attempting to save it and giving it all my all.
but i was unsuccessful. it was my time to bid my love and my best friend goodbye. it was my time for departure even when there's no certain place to go.
three months later, undirected, lost and mourning, i still ask myself, "where does my heart leads now?" the truth, i still don't know.
pre op checklist:
----NPO (nothing by mouth) after midnight. abslolutely no eating or drinking after midnight. (yeah sure. i cheated, i stopped drinking water at 1:30 am).
----no jewelries, no money, no expensive essentials at all ( i forgot and brought everything i had on! felt bad for mom for carrying my stuff)
---- bring someone at the surgery who can drive you home and take care of you ( my ever so lovely momma took good really care of me including drilling the surgeon for any complications and other recovery concerns - i think she scared him off! hahah LOL).
--- pregnancy test (yeah, funny how the nurse asked me if i was pregnant and did a pregnancy test infront of my strict mom and i quickyly said, " oh no, i'm not pregnant. besides, i'm not sexually active. YES mom, you heard it right so don't give me a lecture before i go on surgery).
pre-op vitals signs:
temp: 97.0 - it was so cold in that room. i thought i was in a morgue!
pulse: i'm still doing ok. it was 85 beats per min.
respirations: 22 breaths per minute. no signs of distress at all.
blood pressure: 123/60 this is my normal range. never more than 130 over 70.
pain level : 2 out of 10. practically none yet. just a little ache.
preop meds:
NOTE: i'm not going to lie. i was making sure what medicines was injected on my body. funny how the nurse could not even see my veins to stick me with the IV needle and i was pointing it to her! i was that anxious i forgot she was actually putting me generouns dose of normal saline since i am so dehydrated. i even knew which medicines she was putting me on before she even put it there.i think at this point, she suspected i am a nurse. hahaha.
1.FENTANYL - it's an opiod analgesic 80 times stronger than morphine. it's also used as anesthesia. but the anesthesiologist gave it to me to calm me. yeah sure. who are you kidding? i was frantically anxious!
2. ANCEF - wait a minute. i thought they only give antibiotic after surgery? yes, i was one of those annoyingly inquisitive patients. surgeon said put it on me BEFORE because i will be in surgery the longest and the most high rick for infection. eeekkk..
3. GENERAL ANESTHESIA - loved it mainly for one reason. the anesthesiologist who put me to sleep was a six foot something, karate leaned and muscular, smelled so good, very good looking korean doctor who was nice and kept telling me to relax.
10, 9, 8 , 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1....
and ten breaths after, i was out of it and did no wake up until four hours after.
4 HOURS AFTER....
SURGERY IS DONE.
now comes the difficult part.
i wake up and damn! the pain FELT LIKE NO OTHER!!!! it felt like i have a gigantic truck laying on my left foot and i can't move it!
"i need pain medicine NOW!!!!!," i asked the nurse.
as in NOW.
her answer, " you're on dilaudid, ms. dela cruz and i just gave it to you"
(FYI - DILAUDID - Hydromorphone, a semi-synthetic ?-opioid agonist, is a hydrogenated ketone of morphine and shares the pharmacologic properties typical of opioid analgesics. Hydromorphone and related opioids produce their major effects on the central nervous system and gastrointestinal tract. These include analgesia, drowsiness, mental clouding, changes in mood, euphoria or dysphoria, respiratory depression, cough suppression, decreased gastrointestinal motility, nausea, vomiting, increased cerebrospinal fluid pressure, increased biliary pressure, pinpoint constriction of the pupils, increased parasympathetic activity and transient hyperglycemia. When injected, particularly intravenously, hydromorphone produces more intense contraction sensation in the muscles and a more powerful 'rush' than other opioids, even more so than heroin. )
in leyman's term -" damn, we're giving you the strongest meds we can give you miss!"
i had to wait couple hours and get some more.
out of all this painful post surgical misery i was in, i was so thankful my mom was patiently attending to me.
so when mom asked, " are you okay? do you want to stay overnight? you're vital signs are not stable."
not stable? are you serious? i was talking to myself because i did not want to worry her more.
post op vital signs:
temp: 101.5 --- ABNORMAL !freakin pain is causing it!
pulse: 110 --- ABNORMAL i was so anxious my pulse is goin up!
respiration: 14 and god am i dying? i think you guys gave me too much pain meds!
blood pressure: 150/106!!!! godd*mn...what the hell happened ?
pain level: 10 + out 10!!!! i am in PAIN and i don't care what you rate it!
My abrupt answer to my mother, " no, ma. i'm not okay.i'm in pain. no . i don't want to stay here. i want to go home na. as in NOWna.
nurse answers kindly, "well,that's not a problem, ms. dela cruz. you can go home once you vitals signs are okay. you're still drugged up so we can't let you go. plus doctor said you need to eat 75 % of your meal or something before you go. we have to make sure you can swallow your meds. the anesthesia numbs everything including your swallowing reflex so we have to really make sure your gag reflex is present."
yeah. gag reflex to me means the ability to eat everything and throw it all up after wards - and that's exactly what i did!
in my mind, i wanted to cust the nurse out and tell her, " look lady. i'm in so much pain. you think i am in even in the mood to eat? i'm so nauseated as it is and you want me to eat? you're kidding right? are you insane?"
oh. i forgot to tell you. i was at this high end surgery site in beverly hills and the nurse to patient ratio is 1:1.
this means means my kind nurse, who was super nice {reminder to self: send nurse thank you card for being nice] but i was stubborn and mean to her because i was in so much discomfort, was giving her 200 % attention on me.
she did. for 45 minutes, she had to watch me eat 75 % of my clear liquid diet and munch 75 % of a some kind of bear shaped miniature cookies. she made sure i swallowed everything i ate.
i was not kidding. she sat next to me and kept checking my plate and my drink and my cookie bag if i ate it. even instructed me to open my mouth so i can't hide anything. SERIOUSLY.
when she felt i ate 75% of eveyrthin she gave me, she finally gave me dilaudid! and i went into a nice REM sleep. i went to lalaland.
3 hours later my sleep.....
nice nurse finally told me i can go home. BUT....... before i can, i'd have to demonstrate to walk on my hand delivered new and shiny cruches to the surgery site.
my question was, "you're kidding, right? you gave me dilaudid. i'm still nauseated and drowsy from the fentanyl and the general anesthesia. in fact, i can't seriously think straight. you made and forced me to eat 75 % of food that i could not tolerate eating.....and now, i am throwing up everything i ate. thanks to the anesthesia and all the super generous dose of pain meds. and you just made swallow two tablets ot vicodin {"- so my trip home would be smooth"} and now what? you want me to hop on one foot with cruthes and not put weight onmy left foot?"
(well, i did not tell her that but i really wanted to !!! i'm just exaggerating).
the stubborn me took a back seat and i hopped three steps so i can go home.
the ride home was like riding a roller coaster. i had the urge to vomit and mom kept reminding me to hold it as we were almost there.
when we were door steps from the front door, i realized, "crap! why do we have to have a flight of stairs on our front porch?"
yes, while mom was instructing me to hop on one foot, i was swaying from side to side from left to right because i was so drowsy. and on my first step to the stairs, i almost fell on my face if it weren't for my mom's arms wrapped around me.
i swear, i didn't know what i was doing at this time. central nervous system is really out of it. thinking brain is not working at this point.
so i followed simple instructions and skippity hopped on my crutches until i reached inside the house......and straight to the comfort room throwing everything i ate!
yeah. that was some bathroom break, i tell ya!
frankly, the best part of this story is when i am finally in my bedroom in my bed. i don't know what happened then. my precious bed with 300 count egyptian cotton sheets was heaven.
my kind and super mom braced my foot with the ice pack machine delivered to me the medical eqipment company( It's a 24 hour ice pack on your foot you don't have to refill. the machine refills it for you. nice !) elevated my foot in two pillows. and tucked me in my bed.
i swear, for the first time, i really felt i was in my comfort zone.
next morning, no more food, i swear. up until today, i am still on gatorade and soup only, no solid in it diet. i can't tolerate solid foods. all my meals were delivered to my room. but did not touched anything but gatorade.
friends and family came. but i'm gonna have to apologize for the first few people who came...i was so drugged up that i didn't know what i was saying. REALLY!
i finally realized it was sunday when church people came.
i think, it was only today i realized, i am slowly going back to my sanity. but it goes out again after i take a dose of the pain medicines.
anyway, more stories to go. i guess, the moral of my story: nurses are the worst patients!!! hahaha. i was so stubborn! i just thought about how mean of a patient i was.
on the serious note, i am overwhelmed with the love and concern i received and still getting.but thank you for being patient with me through this ordeal. momma, 'my, you're the best! tony, thanks for being patient with me for being so bangag the first day. you were my 1st visitor. janet, thank you for the macaroons and for starting a flower shop in my room!kuya art, gratzi for the soup i begged for you to bring! people at church --thanks for the prayers and the cookies and the pho. for all the friends and family who called, visited, sent flowers, thank you for the concern! for all the outpouring of love and get well wishes ---- i love you! thank you.
last but foremost, Lord, you prove me over and over again that you will take good care of your people. you surely did not fail me and gave me more than i asked for. thanks for the miracle of life. use me father in ways i can inspire others of your glory and grace. i am nothing without you. i give the glory back to you. amen.
