departure

last night, while i'm awakened from the pang of my swollen, freshly operated foot, i struggled to go to sleep. yet, i couldn't put myself back to snooze. i was thinking until my brain hurts.

was i actually awaken by the ache from the unhealed wound of my still swollen and sore foot? or was i awaken by the many unrid thoughts in my head about the recent torment of love i have been through?

how many more times will i go through healing? i'm healing a physical skin laceration from the surgery. but in time, that will heal. even more, i'm mending an emotional wound from loving a best friend who loved me then loved someone else after. like a child, i wanted to ask, " when will this boo-boo go away?" yet, the answer remains uncertain.

margaret mitchelle once said, "i was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. what is broken is broken -- and i'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived."

was my decision to leave and leave everything i had with him behind the best decision to do? because like a ghost, the spirits of the broken heart and out past memories together haunts me. and perhaps, i realized, i still miss him and i worry about him. but the painful part is, i think he does not feel the same way because i feel it.

why is it so hard to is love someone who used to love you? why does the twinge hurt more when you leave everything you had because it was not worth staying there? i left because i felt it was time after attempting to save it and giving it all my all.

but i was unsuccessful. it was my time to bid my love and my best friend goodbye. it was my time for departure even when there's no certain place to go.

three months later, undirected, lost and mourning, i still ask myself, "where does my heart leads now?" the truth, i still don't know.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 7:37 PM

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