HANDS IN HEAVEN
[han wakes me up every single day at 5 o'clock in the morning to go to work or school. he calls me late at night just to say good night. take note: our time difference is three hours. he's three hours ahead of me. and he stays up to wake me up or say good night. WAAAAHHH...can't you see? i miss him sooo much. when i drove this morning, this song played on the radio...reminds me of han. so beb, this one's for you]
HANDS IN HEAVEN
As I watch you move, across the moonlit room
There's so much tenderness in your loving
Tomorrow I must leave, the dawn knows no reprieve
God give me strength when I am leaving...
So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday
Tonight, I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight, you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness
As we move to embrace, tears run down your face
I whisper words of love, so softly
I can't believe this pain, it's driving me insane
Without your touch, life will be lonely
So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday
Tonight, I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight, you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness
Morning has come, another day
I must pack my bags and say goodbye...
Goodbye...
the guy who sat in han's sit in the car
NOTE: i think i should take this entry out because for all i know he might be reading it or han might read it so maybe i will leave it for couple days)
he sat in han's sit in my car and it bugged the crap out of me that han was not there with me. but this was my ex: the man i once loved and the cad who broke my heart. i picked up ron up north in california yesterday. it felt wakward. i don't know. i think i am contented with han but having ron there physically, i thought of my past again.
for the first time, ron and i talked about our pasts: our faults, our relationship then, kelly, han, everything else. ron thanked me for a lot of things and yet, i could not reply to his thank you's. there were too much issues between us then. and i know we can not possibly settle it all together so we talked about it one by one. it was hurting me. i did not want to talk about it so i changed the topic.
there was a period of time in the car when i did not talk because our pasts haunted me again. ron initiated the conversation al the time. i might seem uninterested...i was interested wiwth what he had to say but i did not want to tell him what i thought of it. i listened to his voice and his laughter and i am wondering if he sounded like that then. when i watched him when he fell asleep, i asked myself why i was so into this guy then. he was a nice guy but he also hurt me in the end ( refer to the stories i have here). i think i was acting straneg because he noticed it too.
at home, i reintroduced him to noreene (by a different name) but it felt even weirder. i don't think they liked him for me. i don't think i like him for me too , now. but he gave me fklowers and a book. he said that's for everything. what was everything? i kept asking myself. everything meaning all the pain or all the love?
on the way home, he kissed me. ....nothing. NOTHING. does that mean i let go of everything? i really don't know. i'll write more on this. right now, i am getting paranoid.
my fairy tale: to be continued...
" is this goodbye forever?," i asked him as tears fell from my saddened eyes. teary eyed and heavy hearted himself,
"i guess...it's goodbye...until i get back.," he replied. i kissed him one last time and i could not even blurt out a single word. i was too mirthlessly dreary. i just hugged him longer than i used to. and his hands wiped my tears. "
i love you...." was his last phrase. i left and drove my way home sobbing.
i saw han for the very last time three days ago. i was not planning to even go there because i knew i was going to shed tears and i did not want him to feel lonely as he already is. seeing at him there and looking at his melancholic eyes for the last time is like being slashed in the heart multiple times. the pain is viciously fierce. it was hurting me more than it was hurting him.
han left for the state of maine two days ago because he has to open up his sister's auto shop business there (han has a degree in business management and in mechanical engineering) and he had to make sure that the business is up and running before he can even leave. his lenght of stay is unsure and undetermined: from a period of three to six months months or longer. he told me this before. and yet, it was so difficult for me to accept it when it was there in front of my face.
han and i became an item when i said
"I love you" to him the very first time (after he asked me if i had feelings for him gazillion times and i never answered) when i left to new york and canada last june 19. of course, it left him speechless but he agreed willingly. being away from him then made me realized how much i liked him and how i wanted to spend my every day with him. i was incomplete without him. i could not wait to hold him. while the places i visited were worthingly beautiful and spectacular, i missed having him there with me.
parhaps, it was the little things that mattered: he wrote me hand written love letters and sends it snail mail (we lived 20 minutes drive from each other) with the smell of his cologne sprayed all over it. one time, he gave me a care bear because he said he wants to see my
"smile" again after a hell day at work. another incident when he grabbed every single "angel" item ( he bought me an angel baseball bat - just because it had angel on it and he knew i liked angel, got me an angel figured time reminder and an angel worry box) at the angel's game.
but it was those times at the beach that meant a lot to me. at our official date as couple han took me to long beach. i was whining about romantic places to be and han was bugged out of my blabbing mouth so he handed me the car keys and instructed me to start driving to "
some place." impatient, of course, i blabbed myself out to death asking him like an annoying child
,"where are we going? are we there yet?."he just gave me simpel instructions like "
right, left and go straight."
when he got there, we pulled over to an empty parking lot. i was puzzled. "
this is your romantic place? ", i asked. he just smiled and instructed me to close my eyes and "
no peeking allowed". "
this better be good, boy or else i will be so bummed and mad!," i said but yet, i followed. all i could remember is he held my hands and guided me through that walk. as we went uphill and he held my hands firmer and the other hand wrapped around my waist.he made me wear his jacket because i shivered as the breeze flowed. i could smell the ocean water. but i had no clue where i was. it was quiet and yet, i heard the clashing of waves.
after what it seemed to be a long walk ( he said it was about 50 steps uphill), "okay,
open your eyes now." "
wow," that was all i could say. i have been to the most beautiful places in the world but this one was probably the best one. well, how do i describe it? han took me a light house settled in a small island in the middle of the long beach. it was night time so it was dimmed. the island was roundshaped and offered a walk path circling the island. and the light house tower stood in the midst of it.
hand in hand, we circled the path and as we approached another view, han istructed me to close my eyes. the circle path as we walked around offered different spectacular and breathtaking views. the flickering city lights mesmerized my eyes. there was the grandeous view of queen mary on my right as this big vessel outshined the skycrapers on the coast. i turned left and the shoreline village gave me a glimpse of the fanfared night and dance clubs on the other island.
i turned left and there were an array of lined hotels overlooking the coast, next to that was the gigantic long beach aquarium with a big dolphine figure outside it as it shadowed on the glowing pearly white building on it's left which was the long beach convention center. then the last view was the long beach bridge where each color of the rainbow was present and lighted up the foot by foot outstretched of ths elongated bridge. under the bridge, there were clusters of yatchs, some sat there clumped together and some sailed paradingly. what about the coast itself? the pictured of the airplanes flew in and out inthe horizon. the water waves crashing in and out. the fishermen on the pier that sat patiently to catch fishes. and then there's just me and han.
from that day, han made an effortless schedule to take me long walks at the beach as we both walk barefoot and hand in hand. sometimes, we would sit next to each other watching the planes fly by. some times, he would spread his jacket in the sand and we lay there watching the stars and looking at the moon. and there we talked...about us, about our lives, we laughed...sometimes even cried.
this is my fairy tale. it seemed like a dream but it is not. han is my prince charming who swept me off my feet. he held my hands as if he did not want to let go. it is not fair that he had to go away. and it's tearing me apart. perhaps, to him, even worse. today, when i spoke to him, he said, "
it's too quiet here...no waves clashing," i wanted to fly him back. i feel so empty. when i drove home yesterday from up north ( oh, that's another story), i miss having him there where he always sat.
now, i am all alone again. the pain is unbearable. i miss him so much and yet, i could not do anything because it's beyond my control. my prince is gone momentarily but he will be back. sooner i hope. sooner so we can walk on the beach hand in hand again and continue creating tales of our own fairy tale.
(to han: if you are reading this, COME HOME SOON! or else i'll fly there. wait..are you near the beach? lol. i miss you, beb. chamaripogoshuposo! sarangheyo!)
