NOTE: i think i should take this entry out because for all i know he might be reading it or han might read it so maybe i will leave it for couple days)
he sat in han's sit in my car and it bugged the crap out of me that han was not there with me. but this was my ex: the man i once loved and the cad who broke my heart. i picked up ron up north in california yesterday. it felt wakward. i don't know. i think i am contented with han but having ron there physically, i thought of my past again.
for the first time, ron and i talked about our pasts: our faults, our relationship then, kelly, han, everything else. ron thanked me for a lot of things and yet, i could not reply to his thank you's. there were too much issues between us then. and i know we can not possibly settle it all together so we talked about it one by one. it was hurting me. i did not want to talk about it so i changed the topic.
there was a period of time in the car when i did not talk because our pasts haunted me again. ron initiated the conversation al the time. i might seem uninterested...i was interested wiwth what he had to say but i did not want to tell him what i thought of it. i listened to his voice and his laughter and i am wondering if he sounded like that then. when i watched him when he fell asleep, i asked myself why i was so into this guy then. he was a nice guy but he also hurt me in the end ( refer to the stories i have here). i think i was acting straneg because he noticed it too.
at home, i reintroduced him to noreene (by a different name) but it felt even weirder. i don't think they liked him for me. i don't think i like him for me too , now. but he gave me fklowers and a book. he said that's for everything. what was everything? i kept asking myself. everything meaning all the pain or all the love?
on the way home, he kissed me. ....nothing. NOTHING. does that mean i let go of everything? i really don't know. i'll write more on this. right now, i am getting paranoid.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 2:20 PM
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