[NOTE: I wrote this entry at work some time after New Year 2004. I stopped writing in my journal for a while. I know what I wanted in my heart. I had every desire to write. But I was too hurt to scribble. Then at one time at work, during the rare "im-dying-out-of-boredom"idle moments, i began to scribble my thoughts and emotions. I think I am ready to unfold some of these querries to you. Maybe, this is also a way for me to let out the pain. Or even let it go.]
"you're crazy, " ab utterred to me angrily, "why are you lettin' people who hurt you int he past be a part of your life again? they shoudl leave you alone and you should not even give them the time of day!"
'hurt me?" i started to ask my self. he ( this particular someone...HINT: he was the one fromt he last entry of nov. 2003) did not just hurt me. no let me rephrase that, he DESTROYED me. back then, he did not just break my heart, he broke the entire me.
to recap, when i was in northern cali, he never said goodbye. he just left. just like that. no words were ever said. then he came back, i thought we patched things up. he was in the most difficult time of his life. i stood there behind him ready to catch him if he fell. and he found his way back. even able to reedeem himself for the shortcomings he committed. then i was abandoned. he decided i am no longer a part of him anymore. this time, he kissed and told his friends i was the "snake" who was all over him when in reality, it was vice versa. he left and all he left me with were broken promises, dismantled heart, shattered self perception and esteem, tarnished soul. out of anger, i vowed to erase him in my memory. then i found out he was with someone else. someone who broke his heart later and the pain was twice as much as he broke mine.
and i , I CRIED. i cried it all off. i cried until i can no longer hold the tears. i wept until the tears can no longer fall. i sobbed until it felt numb.
that was then.
well, he is back, as mentioned. same promises, same speculations. oh no, i had to tell my self. i had to set grounds this time. i told him if he wanted to be a part of my life again what ever our relationship is, he needs to be honest with me meaning: be true to himself, to his family, to me. i saw himf or the very first tiem last weekend. he could not look straight to me eyes. i felt awkward to talk to him because his mom was around. she left us alone together to talk. no words came from my mouth. what was i supposed to say? "welcome back into my life a-hole?" no. it was inappropriate.
then it came out of my mouth, "ron, no matter what you do in your life, through your downfalls, through yur triumphs, if you just give me honest and true friendships, i will be here for you no matter what the raod takes us. i 've proven that to all my friends, if you just give me the geniune sincerity, it will be reciporacated." i looked at his eyes. tears were comingout and yet, he looked down again. he never said sorry. yet, that last time, i stared at those chinky slanted eyes, the tears spoke more than the silence. before i left to go home, i told him, "i forgave you. no matter what it is, i forgave you." he smiled.
meanwhile...
"if i was you, i would never let this bastard manipulate me again. what was your reason anyway? it seemed everything he has done to you was unforgivable?! why did you allow him in your life again knowing he has caused so much damage?," ab asked annoyingly, still yackity yacking about this recent decision i made to start all over as friends with ron.
it was difficult to elaborate in words and to develop an answer for ab's questions. it is probably beyond what i can explain. like ab, i hoped i am making the right decision. everyone deserves a benefit of a doubt. perhaps, even a chance. papa always taught me "kindness is the greatest revenge."
beyond my incapabilty to explain myself, more than the silence ron gestured when i saw him, i answered ab, "perhaps, you will never understand." i paused, and then i continued on, " but i let him back in my ife because...." i let out another sigh in between, " because....i forgave him."
was i relieved? repented and releived, i must say...beyond the silence.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 11:39 PM
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