Tuesday, March 02, 2004
more than the silence

[NOTE: I wrote this entry at work some time after New Year 2004. I stopped writing in my journal for a while. I know what I wanted in my heart. I had every desire to write. But I was too hurt to scribble. Then at one time at work, during the rare "im-dying-out-of-boredom"idle moments, i began to scribble my thoughts and emotions. I think I am ready to unfold some of these querries to you. Maybe, this is also a way for me to let out the pain. Or even let it go.]

"you're crazy, " ab utterred to me angrily, "why are you lettin' people who hurt you int he past be a part of your life again? they shoudl leave you alone and you should not even give them the time of day!"

'hurt me?" i started to ask my self. he ( this particular someone...HINT: he was the one fromt he last entry of nov. 2003) did not just hurt me. no let me rephrase that, he DESTROYED me. back then, he did not just break my heart, he broke the entire me.

to recap, when i was in northern cali, he never said goodbye. he just left. just like that. no words were ever said. then he came back, i thought we patched things up. he was in the most difficult time of his life. i stood there behind him ready to catch him if he fell. and he found his way back. even able to reedeem himself for the shortcomings he committed. then i was abandoned. he decided i am no longer a part of him anymore. this time, he kissed and told his friends i was the "snake" who was all over him when in reality, it was vice versa. he left and all he left me with were broken promises, dismantled heart, shattered self perception and esteem, tarnished soul. out of anger, i vowed to erase him in my memory. then i found out he was with someone else. someone who broke his heart later and the pain was twice as much as he broke mine.

and i , I CRIED. i cried it all off. i cried until i can no longer hold the tears. i wept until the tears can no longer fall. i sobbed until it felt numb.

that was then.

well, he is back, as mentioned. same promises, same speculations. oh no, i had to tell my self. i had to set grounds this time. i told him if he wanted to be a part of my life again what ever our relationship is, he needs to be honest with me meaning: be true to himself, to his family, to me. i saw himf or the very first tiem last weekend. he could not look straight to me eyes. i felt awkward to talk to him because his mom was around. she left us alone together to talk. no words came from my mouth. what was i supposed to say? "welcome back into my life a-hole?" no. it was inappropriate.

then it came out of my mouth, "ron, no matter what you do in your life, through your downfalls, through yur triumphs, if you just give me honest and true friendships, i will be here for you no matter what the raod takes us. i 've proven that to all my friends, if you just give me the geniune sincerity, it will be reciporacated." i looked at his eyes. tears were comingout and yet, he looked down again. he never said sorry. yet, that last time, i stared at those chinky slanted eyes, the tears spoke more than the silence. before i left to go home, i told him, "i forgave you. no matter what it is, i forgave you." he smiled.

meanwhile...

"if i was you, i would never let this bastard manipulate me again. what was your reason anyway? it seemed everything he has done to you was unforgivable?! why did you allow him in your life again knowing he has caused so much damage?," ab asked annoyingly, still yackity yacking about this recent decision i made to start all over as friends with ron.

it was difficult to elaborate in words and to develop an answer for ab's questions. it is probably beyond what i can explain. like ab, i hoped i am making the right decision. everyone deserves a benefit of a doubt. perhaps, even a chance. papa always taught me "kindness is the greatest revenge."

beyond my incapabilty to explain myself, more than the silence ron gestured when i saw him, i answered ab, "perhaps, you will never understand." i paused, and then i continued on, " but i let him back in my ife because...." i let out another sigh in between, " because....i forgave him."

was i relieved? repented and releived, i must say...beyond the silence.

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MY SILENT REVERIES
writing is my passion. i created silent reveries years ago to vent out things i could not tell the world. it was my private, modern tech approach to scribbling my thoughts and emotions in a journal. in here, i can feely be who i am. i could cry my woes, i can love freely, i can grieve over a broken heart, i can celebrate the joys in my heart, i can rejoice with my accomplishments, i can tell stories of remarkable friendships and unforgettable connections i made with extraordinary people SECRETLY AND SILENTLY without worrying people might judge me. i hid under the name PINAY FREESTYLE.

but eventually, some people gained access to my secret place. so i opened my doors to them in the purpose that i could inspire them: to be better versions of themselves and to share themselves to the world. slowly, i embraced my readers as a part of my life. i welcomed the strange idea that my untold life stories and unconcealed revelations could be of help to others, to love and accept themselves as they are. and i, i came out from the animosity. i eventually became just the regular LEN - the nickname my family & friends call me.

i developed stories of love, of letting go, of falling in love all over again. i made great friendships. but if there's one thing i was particularly proud of, it was my undenying love for the LORD. i wrote and made soul searching, heart wrenching entries i entitled, "SPIRITUAL REVERIES" which you will find many here. it was my productive way to heal myself from twinge and while i am at it, i could also mend others spirits along the way and bring them back up to par with their faith and relationships with God. it has not stop there. it's still a constant journey.

and so, for as long as i can, i vowed to tell my memorable reflections,i have unmasked the hidden me. and the seeking and searching of life's meaning and purpose is not over. LIFE is a long road of discovering. and i still yet to discover many wonders of this world and satisfy my unending curiosity. but be warned. you can either love me or hate me. but i don't care. this is me: sripped and bare as i can be.

so i invite you into my chaotic unperfect world. join me in my whirlwind new travels of diving into the unknowns. let me share my life with you all over again. come in, as i tell you my SILENT REVERIES.

love,
len


DISCOVER ME: who is the lady behind the blogs?



"I want to have a personal light, the glow of oneself that comes from sheer willpower, the light of someone who has made important sacrifices in the name of things I think are important."

---Paulo Coelho's "Eleven Minutes"

my name is len. people always tend to judge me without discovering who i really am. i might look intimidating, a typical shop girl, and i act like a crazy party girl on the weekend. but i actually have brains. and i own an even bigger heart. the truth is, beyond the louis vuitton bags, beyond the lavish parties, the excessive passion to travel and the desire to get to know the world, if you got to know the REAL ME, i am really just a simple girl. my only desire is to be loved for who i am.

"









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