Sunday, June 29, 2003
concealed laceration
i have not been eating. always late for work. and when i am at work, i am not the same len that worked her butt off. when i am home, i spent my elongated hours locked in my room and tucked under the blankets...crying. lately, i lost my drive to go on. i could not exactly describe my mixed emotions. everything is overwhelming. and no one knows about my hidden frustrations.
jason is wonderful. i could not complain about him. he has done so much cheering up for me. i love being with him because he always make my time with him worthwhile. and just when i thought life is almost good to me, ron, the recent cad, who broke my heart, enters my life again...determined to destroy it.
ron has been calling me endlessly the past weeks. someone informed me that he ran away from home. just when i was quite worried about this guy, he showed up in my house to borrow money. and when i declined, he uttured hurtful accusations against me: why he left me, why i am such a b****, why i am this and that. more than that, the girl he was "seeing" was there to watch it. he has been calling me at work gazillion times a day. his family have not stopped asking me about him. there were times he threatenened me.i am scared for my life lately. i had been watchign my back because i am afraid someone is watching me. maybe, someone is waiting for me. i know someone has been following me (i never told him where i worked or go to school but he knew where to call me).
it has been too much....
i have been in such agony and stress lately. the twinge that i forcedfully erase and forget from being with ron then just came back and haunted me again. and this time, it has hit me twice as hard. it pounded me twice the power of the torment it was the first time. to see him there say all these undeserving words to wards me and worse yet, watch him cuss me out in front of the girl who had done no sacrifice as i had done for him when we were together.
no one knows the depth of my anguish. i informed some friends some part of it. but no one really knows how it has put a crucifying strain on my life now. i can not function like i used to. i masked my twinge so good that hardly anyone knows that my lacerated heart is bleeding in tears. that i am grieving for help. that i am suffocating from my unrevealed wound.
my heart is splinterized in fragments. my preserved esteem has been demoralized and wrecked in unrecognizable debris. i truly feel worthlessly tarnished. it is that time again to mend my excruciating soul and rebuild my disfigured heart. i was trying to that already until the monster ( ron) deformed, weakened and incapacitated me.
it will take a long time. but i am a nurse. i hope to cure my self. if skinned wounds and broken bones can heal, perhaps a distorted self esteem, a despattered spirit and a crippled heart can, too.
(note: this entry might be used for as a legal document in court just in case i do file for harrassment case againts ron).
Sunday, June 15, 2003
romantic hibernation
there was a story about grizzly bears in alaska that every winter time, these bears go on hibernation where they sleep and rest during these cold months. well, i went on my own hibernation in las vegas two weeks ago.
i worked 16 hours a day, 4 days a week, i just had a large dose of finals, and to add to that are the many obligations and resposibilities i have with my family. i wake up at 5 am and sleep at 1 am. i forgotten about my social life. in fact, i had no time for my self. then i met jason. i think the best thing about jason is he takes me out of my busy world and gives me an escape of relaxation. so he took me to las vegas on memorial day weekend and the week after that.
. i spent enermous hours of days and nights with him. for the last ten days we were in las vegas together, i do everything with this man. he was more than a companion. he was more than a friend. he embraced my bestfriend maffi like his own friend. he makes me feel like a queen. he is so grand. he treated himself, maffi and i to an aqua massage in ceasar's palace. he took me to the grand shopping for my siblings. and how many gazillion buffets did he took me and my friends too? not only did he gave me shopping money but he gave me money from the winnings that he got( $1,500). he gave me my favorrite back massages and all that. he pampered me completely.
when i got back in los angeles, he not only made it easy for me to go back to work but he brought me dinner and lunch almost every day. he brought some for my friends too.
i don't know what i feel for jay. he is so special. it has been a while since anyone treated me this way. it's like i am in a pedestal. i am savoring the moments. one of these days i will tell you the updates. i feel like a queen. for the first time in my life, i could say someone is making me happy. thank you jason.
"Yours were the hands"
when i was a baby and mom went to work abroad,
Yours were the hands that pampered and nurtured me.
when the cold nights kicked in and i was freezibng cold,
Yours were the hands that made sure that i was tucked in and covered in warm blanket.
when i was little child and i had no sense of direction,
Yours were the hands that held my hand and led me to the right path.
when i first learned how to ride i bike,
Yours were the hands that taught me that it's normal to fall on my first time.
when my spirit was down and out, and i felt weary,
Yours were the hands that instructed me to pray to my Lord Jesus.
when i became a teenager and i rebelled againts mom's strictness,
Yours were the hands that urge me to understand mom.
when i became an adult and i stood on my own feet,
Yours were the hands that guided me.
at times i cried because some boy made me cry,
Yours were the hands that wipe my tears.
at times i hurt because some boy broke my heart,
Yours were the hands that hugged me and comforted me.
through all my accomplishments,
Yours were the hands that proudly placed the medals and the ribbons i gathered.
through all my sufferings and challenges,
Yours were the hands that picked me up each time i fell.
through all the years of joy and tears, of pain and happiness, of success and failure,
PAPA, Yours were the hands that molded me to be the person I am today.
And now, mines were the hands that clapped in rejoice and gratitude.
I love you, Papa. Happy Father's Day!
