+++ MY SILENT REVERIES +++

battles

*sigh*

"eh."

i'm alive.

barely breathing.

though life sucks and it is draining every inch of me,

but the most important thing is ....

i'm still alive.

and

i will keep fighting.

ready to face the next storm in my life head on.

let me sob

love hurts.

no.

love really freakin' hurts.

i was thinking of him again: how he giggled, how he laughed, how he says i am crazy, how he wins me back when i am upset. alone...when i am driving, when i'm at school, work is even unbearable. my everyday just meddled into a painful silence.

i thought i was fine. i thought i was going to move on already. i thought o am to explore other things: to date other men, concetrate on school, go on vacation, go surfing ( again) or go to the mountains and learn how to snow board. but i'm invaded by his memories. something i had been tryign to erase and ignore and now, it's all coming back.

how fdid this started any way?

all i recalled is that, all the sudden i thought of him again.

and i realized, i miss him.

no , God, i miss him so much.

but i felt as if, my heart is handcuffed. i can not do anything. i am too powerless. and even if i did have the power, power is not enough to win him back. he decided he can not fight for me the way i fight for him. before, he said, "hold on" and to "wait" and that he "still loved me." power is not enough because love has to go with it. and he can not give me love any longer.

it's so hard to move on every day reminding myself that i can no longer be a part of him because he has dreams to achieve. and in order for him to achieve those dreams, i have to be set aside. perhaps...more like erased.

and once again, through these all, i have to remind myself this slogan: be strong.

in time, i will be.

in time, i will smile.

but for now, let me weep.

did i mention it is 5 am now? i am so awake! in the process of amusing myself, i went blog reading for two hours now. in the midst of it, i ran across this fireworks. i'm amused. =)

so here i am, 4 am...

and then this song played on tv...

Some Good ThingsNever last
(sung by Kuh Ledesma)
originally by Barbara Streisand

It's three in the morning
You're nowhere in sight
And all that I wanted was
To be with you
Tonight
I've watched love get closer
And then fade away
I've seen you believe in me
I've seen you trying to stay
But what good is holding on
When you know
That all you can think about
Is letting go
They say if you love someone
Then set them free
If they come back again
Then in the end
It was meant to be
I thought we were lovers
I thought we were friends
I guess when reality
Steps in
The dreaming ends
We live for the future
We learn from the past
No matter how hard we try
Some good things never last
All you can think about
Is letting go
Be true to yourself my love
That's all I ever wanted you to be
Just don't forget to smile
When you think of me
I'll reach for the stars
I have got them in sight
There's someone who really needs me
Out there in the night
We'll live for the future
We'll learn form the past
No matter how hard we try
Some good things never last
Why can't they last?

hmmm.

so far... with all the things that hase been going on in my life....

this quote sticks out the most:

" change is courage."

i'll explain it to you later.

oh yeah:

to that HIM who keeps breaking my heart:

just in case you were wondering...

i've been "bluer than blue."

" i miss you."

i wonder if you missed me, too. i doubt it.

i could not incorprate all the painful emotions i am feeling right now. then this song came to mind.

this is dedicated to the cad who broke my heart again.

How Could You
K-Ci & JoJo

All I can do
Is sit alone
In my room, baby
Thinking about you
How could this be
That you are not here with me
When I gave you the best of me
I face each day, each day
Without a smile and life seems so unfair
I feel like I wanna die
Cause you didn't even give me a last
You didn't give me a last goodbye
Baby
I've waited weeks for your call
I've waited here by the phone
But when the silence grew long
It grew too long
I knew that something was wrong
Right then I knew it babe
How could you do it babe?
How could you do it?
How could you tear my poor heart in two?
Why did you have to go away?
How could you do it babe?
How could you do it to me?
How could you do it, do it, do it, do it?
How could you do it baby and tear my poor heart in two?
Ain't no more blue up in my sky
Only cloudy mornings
And these tears like rain you left behind
All of those memories
In the corner of my mind
I started looking at us
At a picture
In a frame as I start to cry
Cause I can't picture us apart
Oh my god can you help me?
Can you help with this pain
With this pain I'm feeling deep down inside lord?
I've waited weeks for your call
Yes I did
I've waited here by the phone
Every day
But when the silence grew long
It grew long
I knew that something was wrong
Right then I knew it babe
Baby
How could you do it babe?
How could you tear my poor heart in two?
How could you do it?
How could you do it to me baby?
Girl tell me it's not true
Will I have to spend the rest of my life without you?
How can I get through
How can I get through this pain of losing you
Baby tell me why
I've waited weeks for your call
I've waited for your call
I've waited here by the phone
By my phone
But when the silence grew long
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it
Something was wrong baby
I knew that something was wrong
Right then I knew it babe
How could you do it babe?
Why'd you do this to me
Why'd go away?
How could you tear my poor heart in two?
I've waited weeks for your call
I've waited here by the phone
Break it down,break it down, break it down, break it down, break it down
Baby
But when the silence grew long
I knew that something was wrong
Right then I knew it babe
I didn't mean to do it
I didn't mean to do it
Whatever I did
How could you do it babe?
How could you tear my poor heart in two?
Whatever, whatever, oh no, no, no
How could you do it babe
And you know
You know do it, do it, do it?
How could you do it baby and tear my poor heart in two
Sorry baby, baby
Said I'm so sorry baby

we talked today. nothing fancy. i just asked how he has been. he babbled about "getting his life fixed." i mumbled "it's difficult being in this situation." he claimed, " you are crazy."

ah.

why do i chicken out when he's right there? sometimes i wish i have the guts to tell him how he makes me feel. i miss him dearly and yet, i chicken out. my guts are eating me out. he means the world to me and yet, he doesn't realize that.

are we still together? i don't know. we have not discuss that aspect yet. we talked today becauise he asked me a favor...one of the many i fulfilled. where do we go from here? i truly do nto have the answer.

perhaps, you can ask him.