{ I am at work. I only have 5 minutes to type all of my frustration ....so here it is]
i attempted to break it off with han before i left for vegas because it was hurting me to be far from him. i hung up after that conversation and turned off my cell and off i went to las vegas.
during one of my moments having fun at a club with my friend...han texted me that not because he does not text me or call me or see me as often as we want does NOT mean he does not think of me, nor that he does not miss me. in fact, he stated in that text that he will respect my decision if i wanted to let him go. but it was killing him. and at the end of that text, he reaasured me that he really LOVED me and being away from him is killign as much as it was killing me.
it's hard to be far from him. sometimes, i iwsh to trade everything i have just to have him sit right next to me wiping my tears telling me that everything will be okay.
*sigh
when i got home from las vegas, i sent him a text apologizing for my demeanor and told him that i want him in my life....and it's just...i miss him so much it hurts.
i have not talk to him for two weeks now. school and work has been keeping me busy. the time difference between is so complicated that our calling schedule never match. now, i wonder if what he was thinking. perhaps, it's me. i am minimizing myself to call him. why? i want to know if he will make a drastic move ....if he will tell me how hurt he is for me not talking to him too long. why am i doing this? so i can find out if this guy really love me.
my mom wrote me a letter telling me that she noticed something has been bothering me because i have been acting strange lately. she said that if i am ready to talk, she's there to listen. i sat in the bathroom crying that time i read that letter because i wanted to tell her how i don't want to be hurt again. i wanted to tell her how the only reason why i am tirelessly working and studying is because i desired to take my things of matters of the heart. i wanted to tell her....but i did not. i pretended that that letter did not affect me a bit. i did not say a word. i did not utter any response.
now, the pain is overlapping. the homesickness is killing me. and i am working 16 hours a day work for 4 to 5 days a week and i got ot school in between with 2 t0 3 hours of sleep evry day. a boy who liked me recently said, i am such a "superwoman." i wanted to tell him....i'm not superwoman....i am just doing this to ease the pain.
so, in my silenceLord, if you are there, feel the beatings of my heart. Let this pain go away. A just want it to go away. {Amen}
[Sorry---five minutes is over....Got to jam]
posted by pinay freestyle @ 10:20 PM
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