huwag ka ng iiyak....
Thursday, July 26, 2007

HUWAG KA NG IIYAK

nag-usap kami ni sini nung isang gabi halos madaling araw na yata kami natapos. kalungkot niyang kausap. naawa ako dahil minsan, ako rin minsan ganon kalungkot dahil kakaisip sa mga walang kwentang lalaking pinaglaruan lang puso namin.

hindi niya alam ito, pero habang umiiyak siya sa kabilang linya, nakiki-iyak din ako sa kanya. tahimik lang nga alng akong lumuluha. tapos wala rin akong luha. basta, nandon iyung pait.

nung lunes naman, lasing na lasing pinsan ko pagkatapos namin magvideoke dito sa bahay, alas tres na ng madaling araw at hindi pa rin siya dalawin ng antok. hindi nga umiinom itong cousin kong ito eh. nagulat nga ako bakit siya naglalaklak sa alak. tapos, smirnoff pa na halos purokg alkohol.

patulog na kami, kinikwentuhan pa niya ako. bakit daw isang amo lang nung lalaki sa kanya, sinusungaban niya? kahit na nung nakaraan eh nasaktan na siya nito? tahimik lang akong nakikinig. nung medyo tumahimik siya, sinasabihan ko na siya na huwag niyang pahirapan sarili niya. kung ayaw sa kanya, eh di ayaw. basta, mahalin niya ng sarili niya.

ako rin nasosorpresa kung bakit ako ganito kamanhid. siguro, hindi naman ako manhid. sa tutoo lang, marami akong nararamdaman. pero pinili ko lang kung ano yung mga pakiramdam ko na papatulan ko. kung makakasakit lang sa akin, pinababayaan ko na lang.

nung sinasabi ni sini na nasasaktan siya nung nakita niya yung litrato ng ex niya, na parang naaalala niya lahat, nasasaktan ang damdamin ko para sa kanya. pero naalala ko yung sinabi nung barkada kong lalaki nuong nag-iiyak ako noon dahil sa ginawa ng isang lalakign lubusan kong minahal.

lasing na lasing ako noon. hindi ko nga maalala kung anu anong pinag-iinom ko. pero sabi ni rick sa akin non sa akin,
"alam mo, iyak ka ng iyak diyan. pinupuno mo yang isip mo ng alak para bukas makalimutan mo siya. pero ang tutoo niyan eh, nasa isip mo pa rin siya. nagpapakaloka ka diyan pero ito ha, sasabihin ko sa iyo ng tutoo. wala na siyang pakialam sa iyo. nagpapalasing ka diyan pero ang tutoo niyan, wala siyang ka-amoramor sa iyo. hindi ka niya iniisip ung okay ka lang o ano. hindi ka dapat nagkakaganito. mahalin mo ang sarili mo. kapag buo ka na, marami ang magmamahal sa iyo."


sinabi ko rin yan kay sini. masakit marinig kaya lang iyong mga salitang binigkas na iyo sa akin nung gabing yun ang gumising sa akin. kaya siguro nagmamatigas ako. kaya siguro para akong manhid. walang nararamdaman. kaya sa haba ng panahon, patuloy ko pa rin hinahanap ang taong magpapatibok uli ng puso ko. at sana...sana lang, sa panahon na iyon ay, siya na ang tama para sa puso kong ito matagal ng naghihintay mahalin.

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MY SILENT REVERIES
writing is my passion. i created silent reveries years ago to vent out things i could not tell the world. it was my private, modern tech approach to scribbling my thoughts and emotions in a journal. in here, i can feely be who i am. i could cry my woes, i can love freely, i can grieve over a broken heart, i can celebrate the joys in my heart, i can rejoice with my accomplishments, i can tell stories of remarkable friendships and unforgettable connections i made with extraordinary people SECRETLY AND SILENTLY without worrying people might judge me. i hid under the name PINAY FREESTYLE.

but eventually, some people gained access to my secret place. so i opened my doors to them in the purpose that i could inspire them: to be better versions of themselves and to share themselves to the world. slowly, i embraced my readers as a part of my life. i welcomed the strange idea that my untold life stories and unconcealed revelations could be of help to others, to love and accept themselves as they are. and i, i came out from the animosity. i eventually became just the regular LEN - the nickname my family & friends call me.

i developed stories of love, of letting go, of falling in love all over again. i made great friendships. but if there's one thing i was particularly proud of, it was my undenying love for the LORD. i wrote and made soul searching, heart wrenching entries i entitled, "SPIRITUAL REVERIES" which you will find many here. it was my productive way to heal myself from twinge and while i am at it, i could also mend others spirits along the way and bring them back up to par with their faith and relationships with God. it has not stop there. it's still a constant journey.

and so, for as long as i can, i vowed to tell my memorable reflections,i have unmasked the hidden me. and the seeking and searching of life's meaning and purpose is not over. LIFE is a long road of discovering. and i still yet to discover many wonders of this world and satisfy my unending curiosity. but be warned. you can either love me or hate me. but i don't care. this is me: sripped and bare as i can be.

so i invite you into my chaotic unperfect world. join me in my whirlwind new travels of diving into the unknowns. let me share my life with you all over again. come in, as i tell you my SILENT REVERIES.

love,
len


DISCOVER ME: who is the lady behind the blogs?



"I want to have a personal light, the glow of oneself that comes from sheer willpower, the light of someone who has made important sacrifices in the name of things I think are important."

---Paulo Coelho's "Eleven Minutes"

my name is len. people always tend to judge me without discovering who i really am. i might look intimidating, a typical shop girl, and i act like a crazy party girl on the weekend. but i actually have brains. and i own an even bigger heart. the truth is, beyond the louis vuitton bags, beyond the lavish parties, the excessive passion to travel and the desire to get to know the world, if you got to know the REAL ME, i am really just a simple girl. my only desire is to be loved for who i am.

"









REACH ME if you want to get to know me better, if you want to share your thoughts, if you want to be my friend, don't hesitate: you can find me at


::EMAIL ME @ AOL::
:: EMAIL ME @ GMAIL
::FACEBOOK::
::AOL IM: XLENDCX::
::yahoo: YM::
::MYSPACE::
PREVIOUS POSTS
buhay
SPIRITUAL REVERIES: BUTTONS
gaya gaya
10 things
glowie
I HAVE THE KEY
a life in my shoes
KAYA MO YAN
FREEWAYS
LOVE FOR REAL


DAILY DOSE OF ME my other blogs: in case, you're not tired of me yet =)


::GOOD THINGS::
life is all about appreciating the simple things

::YACKETY YACKS::
pinay chatter box: much ado about nothing =)

CONTRIBUTIONS articles and works i've done for other e-zines through the years




binibini.org: KEYCHAIN
binibini.org: FAREWELL
binibini.org: SA GITNA NG GABI

HABITUATE fellow bloggers who keeps me entertained and sane




::ernie::
::joyce::
::eric ahn::
::pammy::
::champuru::
::maldito/glenn::
::mica::
::tintin::
::batjay::
::rijah::
::carol::
::christine::

ADDICTION these are a few of my favorite things...




::louis vuitton::
::ugg australia::
::armani exchange::
::h & m::
::banana republic::
::target::
PAMPER ME in this stressful world, i need relaxation. places i hibernate to and hide away from the world. here are some of my favorite spots.




::olympic spa::
::pho siam thai spa::
:: raya spa::
::japanese garden::
::redondo beach::

FREQUENTS embracing life in los angeles: a day in a life in my shoes



::monte carlo cafe::
::THE GROVE::
::coffee bean::
::barnes and noble::
::starbucks::

GOBBLE GOBBLE [L.A.STYLE] food over matter los angeles style =)




::todai::
::sanamluang::
::hodori::
::alcove::
::portos::
::mayflower::
::tommy's::
::roscoe's::
::philippes::
::thai bbq::
::the pantry::
::pinks::
::koji's::
::kabuki::

QUERRIES i don't know everything. so these are the sites i go to answer my inquisitive inquiries, obtain html coldes, and upload my pictures.




::google::
::yahoo::
::ask::
::photobucket::
::blogger::

ARCHIVES