wide awake as everyone else are in the warmth of their beds. it's 3:38 in the morning, for heaven's sake. if it was up to me, i would doze off. like the rest, i'd like to sleep the night away. but thoughts of twinge invade the coldness of this winter night.
what could i have done right or wrong this time? i can't answer that. maybe, i was gullible. maybe, i was innocent. or maybe, it was real...i really loved him 'that much.' but you know what? i have to give myself a pat in the back. as far as i am concerned, i have done everything right. i may not be equipped with a lot of experience but i am certainly convinced i gave it my best shot. and no, i am not in denial. i am sure. i loved him but i also loved myself enough to leave. despite of the overwhelming fear of getting hurt again, this whole "glued together" heart of mine took a chance to love again.
i am faced with "what now?" question...again. most of my close friends called and texted and emailed with heartwarming messages. kuya art even said, "akala ko nagpakamatay ka na!" (i thought you killed yourself). and i couldn't help but laughed so hard. i am humored by that because i would never do that. my life is too precious. rick uttered, " F*** that ***hole! i am so proud of you for leaving! you don't deserve him. " perhaps, he was right. i was just too blind to see that. one of my long time admirer offered, "i'm still waiting..." and i'm flattered but i don't think i would be ready.
truth is, i have no sense of direction. but i honestly know what i want. i advised my ownself that i won't stop my self from crying. i will let myself cry it off. and i did...since last night...the whole day...and now again. for how long, i don't know. but i promise i'll make it a short and sweet sobbing session.
i am blessed with a great life surrounded by many people who cares for me immensely. i am loveless, heartbroken, and i've been crying like a baby, but it's a wonderful life, nonetheless. where do i go from here? i still have to recuperate from the surgery, i have school and work waiting for me, i have lovedones to thank...and more parties to attend to, more vacation to take...the amount of things to do, places to see and adventures to seek are limitless.
i'm one tough chick who can wrestle and spar with life's most difficult battles. no one and nothing can kill that extraordinary spirit. it's just human nature that i am hurting and so i am letting the tears fall naturally. i'm just a mere human. so if anyone sees me crying, it doesn't mean, i am weak. i guess, if there's any consolation, all the tears makes me stronger and the twinge defines me as a better person.
so, don't worry. i am strong. no one can hold me down. but...please...for now, just...let me sob.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 4:42 AM
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