QUEEN
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
life is not ALWAYS kind. i am a fighter. i am a dreamer. i am a hard worker. but as reality bites, i also stumbled and fell. i love with all my heart but loving with all of yourself is still sometimes not enough. heartbrokenness still seeks a way to tarnish that love. my life is never dull. i am just trying like everybody else.

i have my own shares of wounds. i had my heart painfully broken so many times in my life. i loved, i love so much and yet, i loved to be torn into pieces. even worst, you find out you have to pick up the debris of that destroyed heart. and i thought, i am scarred for life.

in my brokenheartedness, i found the appreciation of "real love." the one that notices ME beyond my physical attributes. the one that experienced me in my best and my very WORST and yet, embraced my imperfections. the one that not only says, " i love you" but showed me and assured me in his actions he does. at a moment when my life is put on halt, God gave me 'that person' through "mr. dimsum."

i had my taste of failing from A's to D's in my report cards. i am not a nerd by definition. i do not absorb everything i read and learn right away. it takes me three times the hardwork to understand what i am reading. i am a student on weekdays and i am a worker on weekends, hardly even getting sleep or rest. i worked so hard to just achieve something. i desired to be on top of the class but sometimes, i find myself in the bottom despite my earnest efforts. my disappointing results drowned me in hopelessness.

in my hopelessness, i found my way to try and try again. i achieved some. i failed some more. but what is important is i am TRYING. and for whatever accomplishments i received along the way, it was because i toiled it with blood, sweat, tears, and barrels of determination & endless perseverance.

i read in reader's digest before, thomas edison, the inventor of electricity, failed 200 times before he discovered electricity. i believe God intended me to go as far beyond as i can imagine. i know my pot of harvest will earn me a spot in this world. one by one, i am certain my dreams will unfold in my Lord's perfect timing. and i can not wait what is instore for me ahead.

i can enlist conflicts after trials. i can tell you my stories of aches and struggles in multiplied encounters. but i discovered in a difficult way that i can change my future just by merely changing my attitude. i realized life is all about TAKING in everything: every failing times, every sad goodbyes, all these experiences to the next and learning from it all.

i am woman in process. i refused to succumb to failure because i learned from it in the process. there are no such thing as accidents. every little thing happens for a reason. we can not become what we want to be by remaining what we are. and it is in the moments of our struggles that we gain our strengths.

i always say, "believing is a magic that makes a dream come true." i realized that the times i fell down, i was heartbroken and times i failed is that so i can get a perspective of what is like of being on the bottom so i can appreciate what is ahead of me. my wounds are turning into wisdom. all i have to do is follow my instincts.

i would like to think of myself as a queen. she is never scared to make the toughest decisions. a queen is never afraid to fail. and if she failed, she thinks failure is just a stepping stone to greatness so she tries again. she knows that she can have it ALL. it's just she can have it all at once.

YIN YANG
Friday, September 12, 2008
no one really knows the real me.

sometimes,i am a weakling...but a fierce fighter.
yes, i am kind..true...but be careful, i also can be harsh.
but of course, i love...with all my heart, i love...
but i'm a mere human, also hate, more like despise.

that is me...i am aYin and i am Yang...

i possess both extremities,
but the balance is yet to be found.
to know me more...
one has to delve deep into the recesses of my soul,
feel my ramble beatings of my heart,
search the chambers of my mind,explore the vastness of my heart,
accept the reality that is me...

and this is me: i am YIN and i am YANG.

tissue box
Sunday, September 07, 2008
the facial tissue box is half empty.
my room's garbage can are filled with used tissues.
my nose are clogged.
my eyes are puffy and swollen.
my clothes are drenched from wiping the tears.
my heart is once again broken.
where do i go from here?
where do i pick up the broken pieces?
when will the crying subside?
how can i stop hurting inside?
my God, my God...
stay with me during my trying moments...
stay with me in my times of tears....
stay with me in this life's uncertainties...
i risked it all to love
just to find out he can not the love i showed.
give me more tissue from the box.
i have to wipe these tears away.
i don't want anybody to see me cry.
i don't want them to see the tears from my eyes.
where do broken hearts go?
please show me the way.
so i can finally move forward.
so i can find my lost self again

the things i do for LOVE

" i DON'T feel that you LOVE me..."
all i could hear was that phrase. repeating over and over again. slashing my heart...until it bleeds and it is oozing in painful bloodshed.
i closed my eyes and sleep, even in the midst of relaxation,
my upset heart beats in loud rythm of hurt.
i love...
i love...too much...
i love...you...too much...
i loveD you... for all that you are...
and you tell me, you don't feel my love?
i love...
i still love...
i will continue to love...
YOU
despite of my heart's torturing ache...
the worst part of it....
it hurts more to know that
despite my efforts TO LOVE YOU...
you told me, you can not see it.
you told me, you can not feel it.
it hurts to know...
what i am showing you,
what i am telling you,
what i am sharing you,
the way i am loving you,
whatever i did to show you...
well, you told me...
you can not feel it...
do i apologize?
do i cry?
do i stay?
do i go?
do i stand here alone?
should i ask you why?
i can't.
i'm suffering in pain.
i look at your eyes.
i tried to hug you.
i tried to show you...
but you are numb.
you can not feel a thing.
i guess...
whatever i do....
it is not enough.
what ever i showed,
it is not enough.
whatever i am,
i''m just not ENOUGH.


WILL OF THE WIND

I spent half my life
Looking at the reasons things must change.
And half my life trying to make them stay the same.
But love would fade like summer into fall;
All that I could see was a mystery,
It made no sense at all.

The will of the wind,
you feel it and then,
It will pass you blowing steady.
It comes and it goes,
and God only knows,
You must keep your sails on ready.
So when it begins,
get all that you can;
You must befriend
the will of the wind.

I spent so many hours
Just thinkin' 'bout the way things might have been
.And so many hours trying to bring the good times back again.
And so it goes for lonely hearted fools;
They let their days slip away,
Until they give into..
So when it begins,
get all that you can;
You must befriend the will of the wind.

MY SILENT REVERIES
writing is my passion. i created silent reveries years ago to vent out things i could not tell the world. it was my private, modern tech approach to scribbling my thoughts and emotions in a journal. in here, i can feely be who i am. i could cry my woes, i can love freely, i can grieve over a broken heart, i can celebrate the joys in my heart, i can rejoice with my accomplishments, i can tell stories of remarkable friendships and unforgettable connections i made with extraordinary people SECRETLY AND SILENTLY without worrying people might judge me. i hid under the name PINAY FREESTYLE.

but eventually, some people gained access to my secret place. so i opened my doors to them in the purpose that i could inspire them: to be better versions of themselves and to share themselves to the world. slowly, i embraced my readers as a part of my life. i welcomed the strange idea that my untold life stories and unconcealed revelations could be of help to others, to love and accept themselves as they are. and i, i came out from the animosity. i eventually became just the regular LEN - the nickname my family & friends call me.

i developed stories of love, of letting go, of falling in love all over again. i made great friendships. but if there's one thing i was particularly proud of, it was my undenying love for the LORD. i wrote and made soul searching, heart wrenching entries i entitled, "SPIRITUAL REVERIES" which you will find many here. it was my productive way to heal myself from twinge and while i am at it, i could also mend others spirits along the way and bring them back up to par with their faith and relationships with God. it has not stop there. it's still a constant journey.

and so, for as long as i can, i vowed to tell my memorable reflections,i have unmasked the hidden me. and the seeking and searching of life's meaning and purpose is not over. LIFE is a long road of discovering. and i still yet to discover many wonders of this world and satisfy my unending curiosity. but be warned. you can either love me or hate me. but i don't care. this is me: sripped and bare as i can be.

so i invite you into my chaotic unperfect world. join me in my whirlwind new travels of diving into the unknowns. let me share my life with you all over again. come in, as i tell you my SILENT REVERIES.

love,
len


DISCOVER ME: who is the lady behind the blogs?



"I want to have a personal light, the glow of oneself that comes from sheer willpower, the light of someone who has made important sacrifices in the name of things I think are important."

---Paulo Coelho's "Eleven Minutes"

my name is len. people always tend to judge me without discovering who i really am. i might look intimidating, a typical shop girl, and i act like a crazy party girl on the weekend. but i actually have brains. and i own an even bigger heart. the truth is, beyond the louis vuitton bags, beyond the lavish parties, the excessive passion to travel and the desire to get to know the world, if you got to know the REAL ME, i am really just a simple girl. my only desire is to be loved for who i am.

"









REACH ME if you want to get to know me better, if you want to share your thoughts, if you want to be my friend, don't hesitate: you can find me at


::EMAIL ME @ AOL::
:: EMAIL ME @ GMAIL
::FACEBOOK::
::AOL IM: XLENDCX::
::yahoo: YM::
::MYSPACE::
PREVIOUS POSTS
Morning and Mourning Weeps
6 years.
2017 updates
I'm getting married!
ENGAGED!
3 years
To That Person I Fell In Love With When the Timing...
Beginnings
Reflection: $100 PER HOUR
Spiritual Reverie: BETTER THAN I


DAILY DOSE OF ME my other blogs: in case, you're not tired of me yet =)


::GOOD THINGS::
life is all about appreciating the simple things

::YACKETY YACKS::
pinay chatter box: much ado about nothing =)

CONTRIBUTIONS articles and works i've done for other e-zines through the years




binibini.org: KEYCHAIN
binibini.org: FAREWELL
binibini.org: SA GITNA NG GABI

HABITUATE fellow bloggers who keeps me entertained and sane




::ernie::
::joyce::
::eric ahn::
::pammy::
::champuru::
::maldito/glenn::
::mica::
::tintin::
::batjay::
::rijah::
::carol::
::christine::

ADDICTION these are a few of my favorite things...




::louis vuitton::
::ugg australia::
::armani exchange::
::h & m::
::banana republic::
::target::
PAMPER ME in this stressful world, i need relaxation. places i hibernate to and hide away from the world. here are some of my favorite spots.




::olympic spa::
::pho siam thai spa::
:: raya spa::
::japanese garden::
::redondo beach::

FREQUENTS embracing life in los angeles: a day in a life in my shoes



::monte carlo cafe::
::THE GROVE::
::coffee bean::
::barnes and noble::
::starbucks::

GOBBLE GOBBLE [L.A.STYLE] food over matter los angeles style =)




::todai::
::sanamluang::
::hodori::
::alcove::
::portos::
::mayflower::
::tommy's::
::roscoe's::
::philippes::
::thai bbq::
::the pantry::
::pinks::
::koji's::
::kabuki::

QUERRIES i don't know everything. so these are the sites i go to answer my inquisitive inquiries, obtain html coldes, and upload my pictures.




::google::
::yahoo::
::ask::
::photobucket::
::blogger::

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